All is Well...

This past Wednesday, July 21, 2010 I sat up in bed weary but awake. My phone was ringing and I knew before answering it that my Grandpa had died. Numbness settled in over my sleep-deprived frame but with that numbness a peace blanketed my feeling of loss. A peace that only comes with a knowledge of the truth that my Grandpa is still alive. A peace that comes from knowing he is free from the broken frame he had been living in. A peace that his mother was there waiting to wrap her arms around him and to show him the colors…oh the colors he must be seeing. Being color-blind is a badge of honor that I have always worn with pride because it was one of the few things that I had in common with my grandpa, something so individual to him that I could connect with and understand. I was the city kid who would come on occasion to visit his grandpa on the farm. I wasn’t the state-champion wrestler or the macho hunter or the sweet and flirty granddaughter that simply by existing worms their way into your heart. I was the city kid who wasn’t sure where he fit in or even if he did, so to have any sort of connection to this icon of a man was something you clung to. My grandpa was often compared to John Wayne and to hear his stories you would believe that his life was better than anything Hollywood could have come up with. He was a simple man who taught my mom, and I guess in turn, myself how to tease and laugh. He was immensely positive and quick to laugh. I will never forget hearing him tell the story of his family going to their neighbors to watch TV on a Sunday evening, as they couldn’t afford one themselves. Upon sitting down on their neighbors bed his mother realized she was sitting on a mouse and not wanting to be rude and say anything, instead placed all of her weight on the poor mouse smothering it…needless to say she didn’t get much out of the program that evening.

On Sunday we drove down to Leamington to visit my grandma and prepare for the funeral the next day. Driving into that little forgotten town my heart was flung back into the memories of my youth. Of jumping off the cliffs into the river below, of wild thunderstorms that would light up the fields of freshly cut hay, of riding to the store in the back of my grandpa’s pick-up. My children will never know this town like I did…it will never be the refuge that it was for me. B was great the whole weekend and wanted me to experience all the feelings and the memories. She could sense when things became difficult and would quietly take my hand in hers not saying a word but letting me know she was there.

The funeral was beautiful. My mom and Aunt Lori and Uncle Mark recalled the memories that truly captured my grandpa. Perhaps the most difficult moment for me was watching my frail grandma say goodbye to her sweet husband before they closed the casket. Theirs wasn’t a perfect marriage and my grandpa caused her a lot of pain but they loved each other immensely and stood by each other through the good times and the bad. It was in that moment, as I held my wife’s hand that I looked around the room to see other spouses holding each other and my eyes were opened to the eternal truths that we can be together forever. I couldn’t help but think of the pioneer hymn that was celebrated this same weekend… “and should we die before this journey’s through…happy day…ALL IS WELL” I know the truth and I know that soon my grandpa will be holding his arms wide open to envelope my grandma in his arms…together again…All is well!

Perfection Pending...

June 7, 2010

Is my life perfect…well that is a very quick no! I’m overweight, overstressed, under paid, and over worked. I’m addicted to Coke, the liquid kind not the snort up the nose kind but probably as destructive and certainly as addicting. I have no real clear path on what my future holds or even where I am going to place my next step. I know we are to strive for perfection in everything but you know what…I’m happy! I’m happy that my stomach is a foreshadowing of B at nine months (I’m hoping that I work backwards and lose mine as she gains hers), I’m happy to have a family that loves and supports each other. Yesterday we had our quarterly Seelos get together with the cousins and aunts and uncles in my parent’s backyard. Mom was all alone as dad is still in Guam but we all dug in and got the job done. Mom commented that she couldn’t wait for Tuesday because then all the stress and work of the weekend would be over and I quietly reminded her not to wish away the moments that would build our memories for tomorrow. She agreed. So we ate too much food and played volleyball, we planned future activities and we laughed and teased as only the Seelos family could. I sat there in my camp chair talking with my cousin Jenn who although 10+ years older than I is a great friend and I looked at my family and counted my blessings naming them one by one. Perfection is great but I’m happy to be in the pending stage!

Love at First Sight!

June 4, 2010

Do you believe in love at first sight? Silly concept you are thinking…I know because I thought the same thing until yesterday afternoon. B and I went to the doctor for the first time and were able to get an ultrasound of our baby…that was the moment that I believed. Never has my heart swelled so quickly and so surely for anything or anyone. Then when it’s little legs kicked and brought it’s little face into view I couldn’t hold back the tears. Here I was holding my wife’s hand looking at MY BABY! How I would have longed to have this knowledge such a short time ago when it appeared I would be alone the rest of my life. Did I know it could be this good? I need to learn to step into the darkness and trust that the Lord will bring the light because oh how my life is full of sunshine now!

Garden

June 3, 2010

My dad has been traveling a lot this year and was jetting off to Guam for three weeks, yet again, and so B and I went over to help them plant their garden.

This was Anna’s first year ever planting the garden with my parents and so she had yet to experience what has become a sort of disjointed Tango for them. My dad lays out his garden by digging rows in his freshly tilled earth with his grubbin’ hoe. He isn’t very precise and simply says ‘Keep me in line’ and off he goes with mom keeping him in line from her perch on the bench against the fence. This bench, by the way, has seen more talks between husband and wife, parent and child and gossiping sibling than any other location in our yard. Mom eyeing his row course corrects along the way. You may think that being an avid gardener my dad would plant the seeds as directed, concentrating on placing each one in it’s place. This would be an incorrect assumption on your part; rather he seems to delight in scattering them just so. Planting not only seeds but the hopes and dreams that accompany them of a fruitful harvest and the memories to be built around the table of their bounty. As he plants, the world around him seems to rejoice in the ritual. The quail coo from their perches in the trees, my dad’s “friend” as he calls him, the robin, alights near his feet in hopes that a worm has been uncovered. God himself seems to let out a sigh rustling the quakies in a light breeze. Amidst this idyllic setting so perfect, so serene the joyful noise of bickering begins. My mom will start with ‘The tomatoes seem really far apart’ to which my dad will replay ‘Last year you said they were too close so I moved them further apart’ or ‘I don’t think we have enough pumpkins’ to ‘are you kidding me with the tomato cages’. The Tango begins. You can almost picture it taking place in some seedy ally in Argentina. My mom raises her hands to the sky, my dad stomping his feet with ties in his mouth instead of a rose. Both grunting and sighing…not of old age as you would think but from the emotion of the dance. Suddenly without notice the Tango is over as quickly as it began. The garden planted we have only to look forward to next year’s dance.

B sensing the ritual stayed out of the way on the bench…I will admit some of this had to do with the fact that she remains exhausted from the lima bean in her belly. Although they bicker my parents have been together for over 40 years and have a deep seeded love for each other that you can see in the way my mom touches my dad’s arm or in how his eves will tear up as he discusses his love of her. I can only hope that B and I will be able to emulate their relationship and the way in which they raised us in our own lives.

May day's

Monday May 17, 2010

Last night dad called us and invited us to come over for some fresh rhubarb cake that he had just made. When then taught him how to use the Ice Cream maker B and I gave them for Mothers/Fathers day and we made Orange Julius. It was delicious. I was grateful for the call because B is still sick…with a bad cold…and after a beautiful weekend of her not feeling up to things while I worked on projects none stop (which believe it or not Anna loves to do) she was MOODY! She was tired of sitting all day and sleeping an average of 10 hours a night and 7 hours a day she was easily bugged and I love pushing her buttons and teasing her. I have to say that I do love that she loves my parents as much as I do. I was worried when we got married that she wouldn’t want to spend much time with them and I would feel a huge void in my life because of how important they are to me, but lucky day she loves them and at times it is her that says she misses them and wants to go for a visit.

Our family is doing a cookbook for our Summer Jones/Seelos activity. We have typed up 13 recipes so far with canning, desserts and more. I can’t wait to have the finished product and have all our recipes that we love in one place. We even added the recipe for AEberskivers which Anna and I are wanting to make a family tradition for Christmas morning and my mom’s Swiss Cheese Fondue which we eat every Christmas Eve.

I will go...I will do!

Wednesday May 12, 2010

As I have mentioned before, the thought of being a father and a sole provider for my family has been weighing on my shoulders something awful. On Monday night Anna B and I went up to Becki’s to do a joint Family Home Evening. Becki taught the lesson and it was on courage to face our challenges. She told the story of how she knew Nathan was up in heaven and that she just had to have courage to trust in the Lord that everything would work out and that they would be able to afford to have him. Then sitting in Primary, the kids began to sing a song about Nephi’s courage and the chorus “I will go…I will do…the things the Lord commands” and she was overcome with the spirit telling her to do the things the Lord commanded for her…mainly to have a family. I was also overcome with the spirit telling me to have faith and move forward with knowledge that this is in the Lord’s plan and he won’t let me or my family down.

As I was pondering this last night I crept into the bedroom to join my wife who had already gone to bed. I thought about the weight on my shoulders, my lack of faith in the Lord and my need to feel secure. As I climbed into bed B’s foot unconsciously slid over in her sleep to find my foot and it struck me…I’m not alone in this. For 30 years I have gone it alone facing my problems with support from my family but alone nonetheless and now I have a partner to help me face the fears and the challenges that are ahead. What a blessing!

Mother's Day

Monday, May 10, 2010

This past Saturday was one of those days that don’t hold a lot of significance in the grand scheme of things but one that truly defines the fabric of who you are as a person. The morning started with a 6 a.m. wake up call up and out of bed…why so early on a Saturday morning when by all accounts I could be sleeping in. Garage Sales…that is right it is the season for finding deals with fun and family. B and I piled into our car to pick up Becki and Mom for a morning jam-packed with deals. We found several items for the baby including a new bouncy seat that sales in the store for $37…try $10 at a Garage Sale. To be honest I love scoring a good deal but the better part of the morning is being with B, Becki and Mom…we laugh we gossip and we contemplate throwing the donuts we are eating and soda’s we are chugging at all the joggers we pass. After all, how dare they make us feel bad about ourselves with their “I’m up at 7 a.m. training for a marathon” attitudes?

The rest of the day was spent outdoors exhausting myself in what I love best. Working in my yard. I mowed and trimmed the lawn…nothing can make a yard look better than a freshly mown lawn. Several times I’m disappointed in how my yard isn’t coming along as quickly as I thought it should then I mow the lawn and it almost seems like I have taken 3 giant steps into the future and I am able to see what my yard can become. B was planting the garden while I mowed…tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, beans, zucchini, onions, broccoli, radishes and carrots. That is right all that in our new raised beds. We are proud farmers at heart. I worked until 7:30 non-stop planting flowers and turning beds until I couldn’t do it anymore out of pure exhaustion. These are the days that truly reflect who I am as a person and the desires of my heart.

Sunday was Mother’s Day! B and I were laughing about how different this year is from last year. Last year I went to church with her as purely a friend and she was having a really hard time because she didn’t see any chance of her becoming a mother in the near future and no relationship prospects. Little did she or I know that one year from that day she would be married to me of all people and that she would be a mother to be with the little ‘sesame’ growing inside of her. I am so truly blessed to have the mom that I do. So often in life I think we are trying to be seen. We want people to see us for who we are but more importantly for who we hope we can be but are to afraid to open our own eyes and see ourselves as we are. My mom is one of the few people who saw me and continues to see right through the walls, the fake smiles and false answers to the real me. She was blessed with an uncanny ability to know me more than I knew myself allowing me to grow and slowly break down the misconceptions about myself in the safety of her love. I am so blessed to have the mom that I do. She is a best friend, confidant, counselor, guide, wrestling partner, comedian, and moral compass. She is my mom! I can never express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for knowing me enough to send me to her home. Happy Mothers Day Mom!

Piles of Blessings

May 5th, 2010

B isn’t feeling so great and yesterday we are hoping she had the flu and that the typical morning sickness will be all day sickness for her. We don’t have a choice about the matter she is going to have to work until Christmas and then we are taking one Big Giant leap of faith into the unknown and she will be quitting her job and I will become the sole provider for our family. Having grown up in a household where both parents worked this terrifies me and my shoulders seem to be sore everyday from the stress this weight has put on them and it is still 7 months away. My B has been such a trooper and is ‘muscling through’ at work so that people don’t know she is pregnant. We haven’t told anyone yet because she doesn’t want to be the office gossip. We will tell people in a month or so because I won’t be able to hide the joy I’m feeling and she won’t be able to hide the stomach that is growing.

Speaking of growing…I am doing my best to stop my stomach from growing right along side hers. It doesn’t help that I feel like a walking before picture for weight loss programs. I’m afraid that when we go into the doctor’s office the first time they will wheel me directly into delivery by mistake. To prevent this from happening I have recommitted to going to the gym. I got up at 6 a.m. and worked my arms with Devin Dimond until they felt like mush. It will be good to feel good again and although I’m not looking forward to the ache that is bound to come I can’t wait for that high that comes through exercise.

Nothing major happened yesterday. Just a pile of happy moments, one on top of another. B and I went to the greenhouse with Becki and Mom to get our flowers for the season. This day is always like Christmas to me, and my heart starts to beat quicker as we approach the greenhouse and I’m able to run my fingers over the tops of countless blooms. Row after row of color…I can’t wait until my first day in heaven when I will be able to see the colors for real and see the beauty that I have been missing. Upon returning home and lining up the 8 flats of flowers that we got we snuggled into the corner of our couch and watched a little TV until it was time to go to bed. Climbing into bed together we opened the windows to let the cool spring air of Utah in…there is nothing better than snuggling with my B, a cool breeze and some soft hymns playing to make it the perfect end to a great day.

Spirit Thumping

May 4th, 2010

Lately, I feel as if my spirit, fed up from quietly knocking on the door to my soul, has begun to pound frantically so that I will wake up to what is around me. Wake up to the realization that I have become lazy spiritually. Wake up that the Lord is ever present in my life. I have begun to wax strong in my disregard for the spirit; rather I go from day to day, moment to moment living my routine and trusting that I will grow with no effort of my own. Wake up Daddy! I hear my unborn children crying down from heaven for me to prepare the way for them to join my beautiful wife and myself.

Perhaps the pounding has increased due to the fact that my wife, (it still seems so strange at times to utter that phrase. Even after nearly 8 months of marriage the miracle that I found her and she loved me, faults and all, seems so unreal and as if I am still waiting for the dream of ‘One Day’. But that day is here!) called me to come home from an ordinary day at the office. Quietly she took my hand and let me know that we were going to have a baby. Me a daddy! Me the one that they will look too to solve their problems and fix their broken bikes and come up with science projects. Me a coach of little league and an impromptu pony for them to ride. I am so humbled that the Lord with all of his knowledge of what’s to come and what has been has entrusted Anna and myself to parent one of his children here on this earth. What an overwhelming task to raise this child to know their God and his infinite love and goodness.

And so my spirit pounds on the door to my soul. Wake up to the life that you have been blessed with. Wake up to the path before you. Take control of your life and take up the charge to grow, to lead and most importantly to follow the leader of us all.