I do......Welcome to the family!

Amidst the storm that endlessly swirled around the Badger family the week of Jared's death there were also glowing, shining moments of joy and bliss.  One of which was the wedding of Anna's younger brother Aaron to his long time girlfriend and fiance HaLee (who has been a part of the family honestly longer then I have by a month or so).  They wanted the wedding simple and so we all gathered at the courthouse to see this happy moment transpire.

When ordering flowers for Jared's funeral we added on the boquet for HaLee (who was very close to Jared) as his gift to her on her wedding.  Also because of Jared's death two siblings that weren't going to be able to be at the wedding were able to come.  Amy and her family had driven out from Texas and Jesse came back from a business trip early from China.  Hidden blessings in dark.

We managed to snap this beauty of a family photo (seriously I love it) in the hall of the courthouse while waiting for the judge to come in.  I had driven down to meet the family and didn't know I was coordinating perfectly for what looks like a planned family photo shoot.

Dear Jared...

On October 6th my wife's older brother took his own life.  I haven't known how to process this, how to help Anna and her family as they grieve or really what to do.  I have thought for some time now that I need to talk to Jared and for me that means writing him a letter so that I can be honest with him...the good and the bad...on how I am feeling and that possibly this will provide me with some sense of understanding or closure.  Please forgive me if I offend and know it was not my intent as I love Jared and always will.  Here goes....

Dear Jared,

ohhhhhh Jared I don't even know where to begin...I won't ask why as most people think in situations like this because I know what it feels like to be in that place of no return where darkness seems to press in on you like a physical fog and weight you can't escape.  My heart is broken for you, for the pain and the loneliness that you must have been feeling and for the pain you must be feeling still as you see the storm your decision has left behind.  Let me start by saying that we love you!  We always have, even when you didn't make it easy for us and seemed intent on shutting us out of your life.

That being said, I am so mad at you!  I am mad that you left us.  I am made that you left your girls without their dad.  I am mad that you didn't give us the chance to help you.  I am mad that my sweet Anna will always feel that she never got your approval and now has taken on settling your estate having to wade into your life and not being able to move on for several months; all to make you proud of her.  I am mad that your estate, your mess is now our problem and that you didn't make it easy but rather created impossible passwords and thumbprint detectors that will only cause heartache to those who have to try and solve the problems.  I am mad that you have become a wedge in my relationship with Anna as I try and help her grieve but have felt an immovable wall go up around her as she shuts off her feelings to everything and everyone so she won't have to face the pain and the hole you have now left behind.  How could you not tell her that you loved her and were proud of her...everyone speaks of how special you made them feel in life and this only caused my sweet Anna more pain as she never got your approval and was always running to catch up to you and get your acceptance.  We still had a life to build together Jared....we still had moments to share and memories to build.  I am sad that my girls...my precious girls who loved you soooo much and always lit up when they saw you won't have you there anymore and probably won't remember the uncle they loved so much.  I'm sad for the hole that you have created.  For the shadow that will forever be over this family every holiday for the rest of our life.  I'm mad that you made promised to Aaron and Halee to be at their wedding and then to do this the very week that they planned to have the happiest day of their lives and now your death will forever be connected to their anniversary.  That wasn't fair, none of this is fair.

I am however, so grateful for the peace that we have felt.  For the knowledge that we know you are being taken care of and that we will see you again.  I am grateful that my wife and your mom are getting comfort thru sorting your things feeling that they are getting to know the man that was so cut off from them.  I am grateful for the outpouring of love that has been shown since your death and for the reminder to cherish every moment and to tell everyone that you love them one more time.  I am grateful for those moments that I feel you.  Often you catch me off guard as I walk through the house alone at night shutting off lights or as I walk to the garden.  I wish you would visit Anna and let her know you are there and maybe you are and her wall won't let you in yet...don't give up on her she needs you more then you know.  I wish I knew how I could help you and what you wanted from me.  Most of all Jared, my wish for you is that you will be able to forgive yourself and that you will find the peace you need.  We love you Jared and we always will.  I look forward to getting to know you as memories are shared through out the years.  Until we meet again dear brother...

General Conference Lessons

A little over a week ago was Fall General Conference.  The older I get the more I look forward to conference knowing that I am going to hear straight from the prophets mouths on what the Lord would have us do in these modern times not only brings comfort but a sense of importance to what is said.  This year as conference approached my sister and I decided that we would go into conference with a prayer in our hearts to hear what we needed to hear on an individual basis for our own lives and struggles that lay ahead and then after conference we would share what we had learned.  It was so great for me to do this as so often conference comes and goes and I listen and feel the spirit and feel inspiration but then life comes and with it a mountain of tasks and somehow the inspiration fades and is forgotten.  I was also surprised by the fact that some of the inspiration had nothing to do with what the speaker was talking about but that because I had opened my heart to hear the Lord knew he could finally speak some of what needed to be taught.  I don't remember all the speakers and when the inspiration happened specific to talks for the most part but here is what I felt:

• Interesting enough one of the first impressions I got from conference was to cherish and love my wife with everything I have.  To make her feel loved and never to question that I would come to her aid or defense.  To make her feel that she is my everything and my first thought is her happiness.  What a great reminder because I have been blessed to have her in my life and too often I find myself trapped in the trap of nit picking when I should be seeing everything that she does for me.  What a blessing!

• As often happens in conference you start to hear themes.  Although the speakers aren't given topics they surely pray about what to discuss and I'm sure are lead to the things that we are supposed to hear in that moment.  One such theme I felt this conference was to watch out for those who need help.  Elder Holland (the Lord's secret weapon) gave a great talk about this.  I have been feeling for some time that Anna and I need to do more to give back...if only my actions were as good as my intentions.  I really want to look for opportunities to give back and help more.  

• Okay....this bit goes hand in hand with two talks.  The first talk was AMAZING and probably one of my favorite all time talks ever.  Elder Uchtdorf gave the talk "Lord, Is it I? in the priesthood session of conference and spoke about how we often overlook where we need improvement and rather focus on what others could be doing better.  He goes on to talk about the twelve apostles and how at the last supper Christ told them that one of them would betray him and instead of looking at their neighbor with suspicion or judgement they each asked the question "Lord, is it I?".  How beautiful is that!  The second talk was given by Elder Carlos Godoy titled "The Lord has a plan for us".  In this talk he spoke about how he was happy and living comfortably in his life when a friend asked him if he was living his life and doing things that would allow the Lord to fulfill his patriarchal blessing and give him those promised blessings.  This struck me and I thought...am I putting myself in situations or on the right path that the Lord can in fact fulfill the blessings promised in my blessing.  Too often I have only thought of worthiness being a factor for those blessings to be fulfilled and this opened my eyes to more responsibility on my part.  So I am going to start asking the question...Is it I? and I am going to re read my blessing to see what things I may need to change in order for blessings to be fulfilled (as in maybe I should start looking into family history).

• I also got the impression that I need to work on and build a solid relationship and friendship with my brother Rick.  I love Rick and always have but to say that we have a solid friendship would be an understatement.  We have different interests and honestly he hasn't lived close enough to call spur of the moment to do things but now he does so I am going to foster that.  He loves family history maybe that can be a start for us.

• I felt very strongly that I need to start having daily personal prayer with the Lord (gasp...that is right I haven't been doing this)  I talk to the Lord all day in my head and often out loud and we have family prayer every morning before our family squeeze.  But again, how interesting that these are all connected, my patriarchal blessings says that I should talk to the Lord as if he is kneeling by my side and I haven't been doing that.  Can you imagine if I did what doors may open up if I stopped to listen and who I may be directed to in order to help and bless.

• Lastly, I also got the prodding that I could do better.   Mainly that I needed to do my home teaching.  (I know gasp again...close your mouth before swallows make a nest in it and realize I have a long way to go).  My main reason (besides understanding home teaching in theory and all but hating being home taught and doing it myself) is that I am literally terrified of my companion.  We are as opposite as night and day....no even more than that!  He is a rough construction worker who is all man and gruff...he uses nails instead of toothpicks and i'm sure sites in a den covered with animal heads mounted on the wall.  I on the other hand want...well let's just say I have never been what you may call manly.  He scares me to bits and he said..."I don't ever teach the lesson" and he only wants to visit on Sunday which I HATE...that is my family day!  BUT....I am changing right.  So I am going to duck tape boards to my knees so they won't shake and go and talk to him and see what we can do...wish me luck.

I love that we aren't left on our own to find our path and that the Lord continues to speak to prophets in our day.  I am so blessed to have that knowledge and to live in a time when their messages can be heard and shared.  

San Diego continued...

Day 3:  Sea World
We had booked tickets to visit Sea World as our big adventure on this trip and set out to make the most of the day.  We got there just before the park opened purely by accident and upon entering headed to the back of the park and for the first few hours it seemed like we were alone at the park...it was glorious.  The girls loved it...running from one thing to another.  Sophie was adventurous and would reach in and touch the varied sea life from manna rays to star fish whereas Molly was not willing to touch a thing but loved looking and taking it all in with her eyes.  We saw all kinds of animals from the seals to a dolphin show where, as the girls tell it "there was a girl named Marina who was dressed in pink pajamas (a pink wet suit) and swam with the dolphins and then waved at us"  We were shocked at how large Walrus's are...the size of elephants without legs and the girls got a close up view of them.

They loved seeing the animals under the water and getting a close up view of what they looked like.  I loved the pure wonder that you could see on their faces as they experienced the magic of it all.

Sea World also has a section dedicated to toddlers which was perfect for us.  It had rides and bounce houses and even a splash pad that allowed the girls to get wet at the hottest part of the day.  Sophie loved the rides...again, Molly not so much.  So Sophie and I took our turn on the 'tea cups' and you can see for yourself the joy on this girls face.

As we got ready to leave the park we put the girls in the stroller and headed towards the exit only to look down and see that both had fallen fast asleep.  The timing couldn't have been better.

Day 4:  The Beach 

 Today's big adventure was heading out to Coronado Island and hitting the beach.  We found a great spot and set up our blanket, chairs and canopy and the girls loved being in the sand.

 Sophie and I immediately went down to the water (I'm the great white whale holding Sophie's hand) and even when the waved pushed Sophie over she jumped up giggling and danced in the surf. 

Molly seeing how much fun it appeared to be came down to join us.  She stepped into the water and as soon as it touched her toes screamed and was done with the ocean scrambling back up the bank to the safety of the sand and her mom.

 Anna only got wet when she was sitting talking to us on the bank in a safe zone and an overzealous wave decided to get her in the action soaking her butt.

At one point a large rock washed ashore and Sophie wanted to keep it.  She is into collecting rocks at the moment because she wants a rock cabinet like her geologist grandpa.  I was off packing up the car...a long walk to the car mind you over sand...and Anna told her that she wasn't going to take the rock and if Sophie wanted it she would have to carry it herself.  Anna sat down, as she wasn't feeling well, and the next thing she knew Sophie was 3/4 of the way to the car by herself carrying that stupid rock which now sits proudly by the side of Sophie's bed. 

As we drove around that evening and the girls slept in the car we stopped to visit the ground of the San Diego temple and marvel in the beauty that it was and how lucky we are to have so many temples on earth today.

Day 5:  Drive to Vegas and the Strip
Happy Birthday to me and for my birthday I got to pack up the car and drive to Vegas.  The drive itself was very uneventful.  Upon arriving in Vegas we checked into our hotel and headed to the strip.  I wanted to visit the M&M store and Coca-Cola store as I thought they would be fun.  We parked at Ceasar's palace because on a map it looked close...just two blocks away.  Little did I know that those blocks were a mile each and packed with people, strippers, drunk partiers and porn propaganda everywhere.  Besides that you can't just cross a street in Vegas you have to get in an elevator go up to a sky walk and down another elevator because we had a stroller.  IT WAS HELL!  Once we finally got to the stupid store we discovered it was just M&M Swag...we thought it would be like a factory of sorts or something more then just cheaply made pens that cost $25.  But having traveled so far we had to buy some M&M's for the girls and so we spent $8 on a bag that would be .75 cents in the store. 

We battled our way back swearing off Vegas for good and finally got in our cars...by this time I was sure my birthday was a bust.  As we left the parking garage our phones buzzed and we got flash flood warnings and the heavens opened up and it was literally like someone was throwing buckets of water on our car from either side.  We inched our way back to our hotels starving from not eating all day and I set out in the rain to get dinner and bring it back.  I can honestly say it was one of the worst birthday's I have had and it was all my fault (Vegas was my idea).  Anna did surprise me with a few gifts which was very thoughtful of her. 

Day 6: Wet Drive home
We ended the trip with a very wet drive home from Vegas...a trip that normally takes 6 hours took 10 as we were drenched with thunderstorms, closed highways and tired girls all the way home.  When we finally staggered into our home it was a welcome sight but looking back the trip was wonderful.  We bonded with our girls.  They had a ton of fun and we realized we can do this family trip thing and so now the thought is where we go next.

San Diego here we come!

 At the end of September we set out to take our first ever family vacation with our girls.  Anna and I have gone on vacations a few times since we have been married including our trip this past year to Eastern Europe to see my parents but we have never gone on a vacation with our girls. This year we thought they were finally at an age that we could have fun and that they hopefully would cooperate and after researching several ideas we settled on a week in San Diego and it was wonderful.  Bear with me as I force you to sit through my 'slide show' of what we did.

Day 1:  We set out on Sunday after attending the dedication of the Ogden Temple.  It was 3rd Sunday dinner with the Badgers so we decided we would set out and start our vacation by inching closer to the destination by staying the night at the Ranch.  Molly was very excited for the vacation to start and get on with this magical California that she kept hearing about.

Day 2:  The Drive...this is the day we dreaded and prayed about the most.  We would be making a 12 hour drive from Mapleton to San Diego and although our girls have experience sitting in the car for a few hours when we garage sale this was a whole new adventure.  We woke up at 5am and got on the road hoping that the girls would go back to sleep...no such luck.  That being said, the girls were wonderful and watched shows on the iPad and their DVD players, took naps, and in Molly's case chatted away the whole time snacking at every opportunity.  We didn't have any fits or freakouts and arrived in San Diego happy and ready to start the trip off right.  As soon as we reached St. George and Sophie say her first Palm Trees she shouted out and said "Mom! Dad! Coconut Trees!"  We are amazed at all that she knows and often wonder where she picks it up.

Day 3:  Balboa Park and Old Town
We decided to visit Balboa Park for our morning activity and then take some quiet time back at the hotel and hit Old Town that night.  Balboa park was beautiful as ever and we loved wondering through the elaborate detailed old Spanish buildings.

It was perfect because our girls could run and get their wiggles out as we wandered the sites.

We loved visiting the Shade House with its palms and orchids.  It also had a reflecting pond with water lilies and koa fish and turtles (which we later learned had been dropped off by people not wanting them for pets anymore and shouldn't have been in the pond).

After exhausting our girls at Balboa we headed back to our hotel hoping that we could maintain some sort of routine while on vacation...YEAH RIGHT!  Molly wouldn't take a nap and Sophie although watching a show also wanted to dance and sing for quiet time.  After trying for an hour or so we gave up and changed into our suits and headed down to the hotel pool.

We quickly realized there is only so much you can do in a pool with little girls that won't swim on their own and so the pool didn't last long but the girls still loved it.  I had been excited about visiting Old Town San Diego for awhile and so we packed the girls in the car and headed off.  Well...they quickly fell asleep minutes from our destination.  That didn't stop us, we put them in the stroller and were off and miracles of miracles they stayed asleep through dinner at a noisy Mexican Restaurant where the portions were HUGE and also would burn your mouth off after one bite.  

We wandered the tourist shops and village stopping to see a performance of Mexican folk dancers.  We tried several different flavors of Root Beer and stopped to see the site of the Mormon Battalion.  When we left at dark I looked at my little troop of girls and realized this is what life is all about.

San Diego...to be continued.

Year of Dates...August

I have been excited for this one...not because it is something I am passionate about but it is one that I thought would be custom tailored to Anna.  Here is the card:

 

This may sound a little morbid and you may not be aware of this but Anna loves cemeteries.  When I say she loves them I mean we visit them on vacations, when she is stressed she sometimes goes and walks through the graves, and she always stays abreast of who has been buried in our little cemetery by our house and how much space is left.  She says it is because you can feel the veil closer and the peace she feels she often compares to visiting the temple.  So that being said I thought she would be thrilled at this date and was only slightly put off when I came home ready to go and she said "I am dreading this date"...and quickly followed up with "it is just so hot" to cover her tracks.  But being the good sport she is we headed out.

We decided to drive to areas of the cemetery where there was a concentration of leaders and explore them and then drive to another cluster.  For one, Anna was hot and didn't want to hike the hills because this cemetery is HUGE and very hilly and two, Sophie was asleep in the car for the first half of the expedition.  Here is Molly and Anna in front of a huge piece of petrified wood...how cool is that for a grave stone.

When Sophie woke up we took a photo at President Grant's obelisk.

After exploring the cemetery we headed down to Temple Square and to dinner at the Lion House Pantry.  Anna had never eaten there before so it was something new for everyone.  The girls loved the cafeteria style of going down the line and picking what they wanted.  Jello was a hit as was the Lion House rolls.  After dinner we decided to walk around the temple grounds and get the wiggles out and we only had to threaten them, in hushed tones of course because we were in public, to be good or we would leave right then.  For the most part the threats worked and we enjoyed going from fountain to fountain and taking in the beautiful flowers. 

At one point Sophie saw a large patch of grass and immediately exclaimed "Oh I love grass so much because it is the perfect place to dance" and then proceeded to show off her skills which, by the way, she didn't inherit from me because she can dance and loves doing it.

 

We also ended up walking through City Creek to get back to our cars and we had to again stop at every fountain for the girls to play in and for Sophie to dance by as the music played.  I wish I could capture Molly's faces all the time because she has the most amazing faces that perfectly express what she is filling but doesn't do them on command so it is hard to capture but if you look close as she is in the fountain you see her look of excitement.  

It was a great night and we realized if we didn't get stressed and took it at the kids pace they were much happier...a good lesson to learn as we plan to take our first family vacation this September to San Diego...wish us luck. 

Ogden Temple Open House

This past month we had the opportunity to visit the Open House of the newly remodeled and renovated Ogden Temple.  We were lucky enough to have Anna's "Oregon Mom" Kathy staying with us and she, along with my parents and our girls made the short drive to Ogden.

 I feel like I am constantly talking about how blessed I am but when you enter into a place like the temple, any temple, you feel a sense of peace overcome you and you know you are so blessed to have the gospel in your life that allows me to be sealed to these beauties for the rest of eternity...too bad for them they are stuck with me.

The inside of temple was incredible...on my top 3 of temples that I have seen.  It was done in an Art Deco style that Ogden is known for.  It also had incredible artwork, much of which I haven't seen before.  One thing I love about temples is the landscapes they commission that reflect the surrounding area as you can see in this photo of the baptismal font.

This is a photo of the celestial room...notice the art deco lanterns and in the center that was a large painted dome.  I had a friend who knew the architect and said that the wood in the temple gradually got lighter...very subtly...as you rose on the various levels and the tables, like the one seen in this photo, gradually got a little more ornate as well as you rose through the temple into the Celestial Room.

Also in the art glass, as they call it because for me it is called stained glass, you gradually saw prarie roses appear and become more prominent the higher you got.  I was told by the same friend that this was a symbol of the early pioneers who would plant the roses along the trail throughout the plains and wilderness to cheer up the Saints that they knew would be coming behind them and would see them in bloom.  So a pioneer thing to do and what a great reminder about planting seeds of hope and happiness for others that although you may not see the bloom you have faith that others will and that is enough.

Inside the temple to keep Sophie occupied and prevent melt downs we had her count the number of times she saw paintings of Jesus.  This is a photo of her outside the temple with Grandpa telling him how many she counted...everything bigger then 3 is 5...there were a lot more paintings of Christ then that.



After the temple we took a short drive, about a block and half, from them temple over to the Farr Ice Cream factory for a treat to reward the girls for being good inside the temple.  Sophie of course chose Purple ice cream as everything has to be purple these days and Molly like always was happy to be along for the ride and go with the flow.

Year of Dates...June & July

As you know from previous entries Anna had pneumonia most of June and then I got bronchitis for a few weeks in July that verged on walking pneumonia (yeah I know in the summertime who knew that could happen).  That being said our scheduled dates for June got postponed until July but we still did it and had a great time.  Here is June's date card.

For days after seeing this show I found myself humming songs from the play and saying "winds in the east, mist coming in"  I also kept thinking where is our Mary Poppins to put our kids in order.  As always Hale Center Theatre does a great job and any night we can get away from the kids and get some US time is always wonderful.  

What a lucky guy I am right!

For July we knew that we would be really busy as it is always a busy month with 4th of July, Mom and Dad's homecoming, 24th of July and you throw in a trip to Pineview with the family and hosting our Ward Walk-a-bout we knew we were going to be tapped out.  For that reason our scheduled July date was to rent a Redbox and relax which we did with my parents at their place where we watched The Monuments Men about the team who saved artwork during WWII from the Nazi's.  

As for me and my house...

I have put off writing this particular post for many reasons.  First and foremost I wasn't even sure I wanted to write it at all and explore the feelings behind it but also it is a difficult post for me to even think about let alone try and express in a way that will convey what I am thinking and feeling.  That being said, I have had a lot happen over the past few weeks that keep this topic rolling around in my head and I finally am writing it with the same caveat and prayer that Nephi gave in finishing his writings in the Book of Mormon that..."the words which I have written in weakness we be made strong unto [my children...and] it maketh known unto them of their fathers".

We recently received a letter from my oldest brother expressing that he no longer believed in the tenants of our faith and would be, in essence, leaving the church along with his family.  As I read the letter I will admit my first reaction was frustration, anger and to put up my defenses as some of what he wrote came across very condescending to me and my faith.  BUT...after taking some time and reading his words I know this was a difficult letter for him to write and that he worried what our reaction would be as a family especially where our faith and knowledge of the gospel is such a central focus of who we are.  I also know that this wasn't a decision that he and his wife came to lightly.  I know that he worried we would rush to challenge him or even worse cut him off from our family which he so was longing to be a part of.  With this perspective it was much easier to put my arms around he and his wife and simply let them know that I loved them unconditionally and that they were always going to be my family and that didn't change.  Now before you go thinking how perfect I am know this...I have struggled with still having those feelings of disappointment of overwhelming sadness for their kids not growing up being taught the truth or having a priesthood holder at the head of their home to guide them.  I have struggled with not blaming my brother for not doing his part to grow his faith and let his intellectual side down a bit as he has always been so analytical at times and demands proof.  I have been angry that my brother's pride has gotten in the way of humbling himself enough to admit that our Heavenly Father doesn't rule by guilt but rather by love but that just as we parents teach out children right and wrong and consequences so does our Heavenly Father but that the consequences are much more eternal.   I have been frustrated that I now feel like I have a magnifying glass on me and my family that we have to be perfect and live up to every standard of the gospel lest we be judged as the reason they left the church or be judged as 'jack Mormons'.  I feel overwhelmed that I feel I have to work harder to build a relationship with my brother and his family so it doesn't appear that I am cutting them off when I may just be busy or have other things I am dealing with and has nothing to do with their decision.  I feel an all encompassing sadness that they could let it go and walk away from all the joy that this gospel has given me.  All of these are based simply off of my feelings and reflect more about who I am then who my brother is and the decisions he has made but I share them with you to show how imperfect I am in my attempt to grapple with this.

I would never try and prove the truthfulness of the gospel or descend to debating points of doctrine.  I know how personal faith is.  I know from my own experience in finding the foundation that I have built my own testimony and remember to when I had to let go of my parents testimony and answer for myself what I knew to be true and what I didn't.  I also remember in that moment turning to my parents and my mom saying to me with love in her voice "you need to find out for you...I can't do this for you anymore but I am here if you have questions or want to talk but know this!...you will always be my son and I will always love you no matter what you choose or what ever path you decide to walk"  It was in that love that I took my first steps into the darkness and at times lost my way midst the fog and haze but it was also in that love that I saw the light and was able to step on solid ground and take my place with my hand firmly grasping the 'iron rod'.

If anything my brother's revelation about his unbelief has made Anna and I take a harder look at ourselves and has made us ask "Where do we stand?" and "What do we really believe?".  It has made our nieces and nephews question if they would still go to church each Sunday if their parents weren't waking them up to get ready or going with them.  It has made me ask myself "Whose side are you on?" and "If you know, how are you showing it?"  It has made us take inventory of our beliefs and our goals and our lives.  We have come to realize that in the last days that even the faithful will fall away and this time it just hit a little closer to home and gave us a very clear wake-up call.

This subject, these questions have been on our mind constantly and I believe led to a very special experience for me this past week.  I went to bed as normal and although I am sure I dream often don't always remember what I dream.  On this particular night I woke within a dream and in the dream there were standing over me and Anna two men who roughly took us out of our bed and as we shakily knelt facing each other on opposite sides of the bed with fear and tears streaming down our face and a gun to my head...they were shouting things and threatening us but I didn't hear because in this instance I was focused on my thoughts and everything else was muted and in slow motion.  I thought Daniel raise your arm to the square and use your priesthood to caste them out and command them to leave and then immediately I was filled with doubt and it was as if someone asked me
"Do you believe the priesthood could do that?"
"Do you believe they would obey the priesthood?"
"Do you have the faith that it would take to have the priesthood act?"
"What if it isn't God's will to have them leave? What if you say it and nothing happens but it had nothing to do with the Priesthood or faith but was simply God's will and your wife and girls are killed is this what is going to make you turn your back on the gospel and walk away?"
but...and this is key here...in response to these doubt filled questions I heard myself responding.  I heard myself answering the questions that YES I had enough faith and YES they would respond if it was God's will and the fact that I even thought to raise my arm showed the faith at least the size of a mustard seed.  I found myself in the dream raising my head to look at my wife whom I love above all else and in that moment that our eyes met knowing that I had made my choice a long time ago.  I had chosen this woman who was kneeling across from me.  I had chosen those girls who slept a few steps away.  I had chosen whose side I was on and it was the Lord's!  It was in that moment that I literally shouted Anna's name waking both her and I from our sleep.

As I lay there obviously disturbed by the dream I couldn't get back to sleep and got up from my bed to go downstairs and lock up the house and check on everything to make sure it was safe and sound.  I thought the thought that had been plaguing me for months that I needed to bless the house as we hadn't done it since moving in over a year ago.  After making sure everything was okay I went into the living room (my favorite place to pray as it seems to be the sacred ground in our house.  A place for gospel talks, home teachers, blessings and family gatherings) and knelt down before the Lord and laid my burdens at his feet.  In closing I said "let me go back to sleep knowing You and Your angels are watching over me and my family"  I quickly rose and headed for the stairs only to be stopped in my tracks with the thought that how was I ever going to hear the Lord answer my prayers if I didn't take the time to let him talk as Becki had always told me to do.  So I stopped and clear as day, believe what you want, but clear as day I heard the words from a hymn say "Fear not I am with you, oh be not dismayed, for I am your God and will still give you aid".  You can imagine the feeling in that living room which to me feels often like sacred ground and I was overwhelmed that my Lord knew me in that moment and He knew as did I whose side I was on!

In the morning I looked up the hymn to see what it was because although I knew the words it wasn't one that was overwhelmingly familiar to me.  It is the second verse to the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" and I couldn't think of a better answer to my prayers and the questions that have been rolling around in my head.

My foundation is sure, I know in whom I have trusted.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me on a daily basis.  I know that the plan of happiness laid out by Him and backed by the Savior is indeed the truth and how happy I am to know the purpose of my life and have the Spirit teaching me and guiding me to lift up my head and be better or to wrap it's tender arms around me and say everything will be okay you are loved and that will never change.  I know the Book of Mormon to be the word of God and that Joseph Smith is and was a prophet of the Lord who had his own prayers answered as can I.  I know that we are led by a true prophet of God today in President Thomas S. Monson and that God truly speaks to him and the twelve apostles today to help us see the path.  Most importantly, I know that I can know for myself and that everyone else can too if that pray and turn their lives over to the Lord.  I now know and realize I already did know where I stand and what I believe and I now will move forward with my hand firmly grasping the rod and will let my light shine forth.

Daniel and the Terrible, No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Month!

You may recognize most of the title to this post from a famous children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day" where a young boy wakes up and everything seems to not go his way.  In the book you realize a lot of it was poor Alexander's attitude and that looked at with different eyes many of the bad things that happened seemed comical.  Well, that being said you now know why I have waited for the month of June to pass so that I can look back on that dreaded month with new eyes and laugh about some of the harder moments because yes now I can see the humor.

The month didn't start out so bad...after all this was the much anticipated month that my parents were going to come home from Serbia and was framed with excitement and PRESSURE.  Pressure to get everything done before they came home.  Pressure to get our house and their house and everything else just so, so that when they came home it would be perfect.  Hello my name is Daniel and I am a perfectionist....this is where you all say "Hi Daniel" and make me feel welcome and secure in opening up about my weakness (that I think is a strength...not willing to let that go just yet).  Anyways back to the month....Anna and I had set about making out lists (we are big lists people) so we would be organized in our approach.  We even were able to host a neighborhood BBQ for people in our new ward to get to know people and be proactive in our approach.  That is when the storm clouds gathered and the Lord laughed at our plans...

The night after our BBQ Anna got sick...now when Anna gets sick it isn't a passing fancy but rather a here is a brochure on grave plots and what would you like sung at your funeral type of sick.  She had a fever and ended up being bed ridden for the entire week.  Now I have a flexible work schedule which I love but my week was slammed and I was in the middle of working on a very arduous multi million dollar proposal with a rather difficult partner with no much on his plate so he was focused on this project alone.  That being said I decided to work from home and help with the girls because Anna was laying in the morgue in our Master Bedroom.  That first Tuesday I discovered Hell and it was on Sheridan Circle.  I was overly stressed with the proposal and happened to be on the phone for the 50th time that day with minute changes coming in from said difficult partner when my girls came screaming into the house.  Here I am finger in my ear trying to hear the changes the partner wants, girls screaming and running circles around me, my other hand shooing them out of the room all while trying to type up the changes when I clue into what the girls are screaming..."the chickens are out!"

Those bloody chickens...yes the chickens I didn't want and that Anna insisted I would never have to touch, think about or even know were there.  The chickens that took up a ton of Anna's time in building a coop and asking me to help even though I wasn't supposed to know about their existence.  The chickens with their claws and their pecking that were now free in my yard that I was trying to preserve and protect for the arrival of my parents.  So upon hanging up the phone with the difficult partner I had to run around my yard trying to capture these bloody chickens.  Throughout the week they continued to escape and I told some friends I was seriously thinking about getting a bucket of KFC extra crispy chicken and sitting down in front of their coop to show them I meant business.

I continued to plod through my own personal hell and finally after 10 hours of work that day alone on revising the proposal I clicked save to only have my computer crash!  What the.....I was done....I was livid.....I walked out in the back yard and screamed at the top of my lungs and it was a good thing the chickens weren't out then or I think I could have been recruited for a kicker in the NFL.  Luckily when I calmed down and rebooted and searched and prayed I found the proposal and sent it on its blessed way.

Well that Sunday was Fathers Day and things were looking up...Anna had been up the day before, her fever had broke and she seemed to be coming around.  No such luck...on Fathers Day she was down again sick as ever with no energy so I not only did everything with the girls I had to make my own Fathers Day meal and eat alone for the second year in a row (she was sick the year before as well...in fact in the past year she has been sick a total of 4 months).  On Monday I had to return to the office and even had a business trip to Denver planned.  Anna went to the Dr. to find out the Flu had turned into Pneumonia.  I won't bore you with a play by play of the next three weeks but the whole month of June was shot.  I was not only working full time but was also a full time dad and had to tackle the entire list for my parents homecoming alone.  At one point I thought the stress was so bad I may have a heart attack and my first thought was that I would get some rest in the hospital at least.

We made it through the month and to my parents arrival which we had made them a Finish Banner to hold up at the airport and symbolically I felt we were crossing the finish line with them.

Year of Dates--May

I know I know you are thinking what happened to March and April's updates...well they ain't gonna happen.  I will say that we did go on both...March was "Let's be Mexicans in March" and we went to dinner at Cafe Rio with friends and were supposed to play Mexican Train but ended up talking instead...April we visited the greenhouses with our Gift Certificates in tow to both J&L and Valley Nursery.  We went looking for some sun perennials at Valley and walked out the door with $80 worth of shade perennials...oh well they are still beautiful and it leaves us more opportunities to shop for the sun ones later.

So on to May...

What is Win or Dare Mini-Golf...well I made it up.  See those little yellow papers...each has a very safe dare on them that one would draw from if they lost on a particular hole.  Things like "Shout out that you love your spouse at the top of your lungs" or "Passionately kiss your spouse" (this was a favorite because it was win win and Anna drew it and totally caught me off guard and I LOVED IT).  I thought about putting more scandalouse ones in like golf with your top off but let's be honest that is only a win if Anna was to draw that one because no one wants to see me with my top off and I couldn't take the chance.

We ended up taking the girls on this date and before you groan and say that dates are kids free...we did it because Anna and I were leaving the next day to take a much needed kid free vacation (we just ran away to my parents vacant house and bummed all day long it was heaven).  Sophie loved the golfing and found after pulling the dare to golf backwards that she much preferred it that way.  Molly...well lets just say we need a leash for that girl as every time we would turn our back she had run off in some direction and you couldn't keep her focus on the Golf to save your life.

After Golf we went inside Boondocks and played the arcades.  The girls loved it and Anna and I did as well. Sophie and Molly gaurded their tickets with a passion turning them in for a princess crown and a purple (Sophie's new obsession and favorite color) popper.  We all went home happy.

Then sings my soul.

Last night I was driving home from going to a green house with my sister and it was in that twilight hour where the moon plays hide and seek behind the mountains as you drive.  I had just been talking to Becki about how stupid sentimental I am about things and how there are moments, places, smells etc. that when they hit me I almost feel my soul take a deep sigh.  I told her it is these moments that I understand the lyrics "then sings my soul".  Let Maria Von Trap have her raindrops on roses and her whiskers on kittens I have my own favorite things.  I have the smell of geranium leaves at the beginning of spring or the smell of a roast cooking as you come home from church.  Don't even get me started on the taste of my mom's gravy, (when I was a kid for my birthday she would give me my own gravy boat).  I have the sound of rain on a hot summers night thumping down on the leaves outside my window.  I have the touch of my wife's foot sliding over to meet mine as I crawl into bed (our own code for I love you...even when I'm not awake).  I have the sound of Molly laughing at something Sophie has done or my Aunt Mere's laugh (that is one I miss hearing).  I have the sight of my dad's sheepish grin when he is embarrassed by something and trying not to laugh.  I have the feeling of breaking up clots of dirt between my fingers and the fresh cut grass between my toes as I mow the lawn.  I have walks with my family to visit the neighborhood yards and to see the Iris in bloom.  I have the smell of fresh cantaloupe that for some reason will always make me think of my mom.  I have the long stretches of road lined with lodge pole pines that tell me I'm in Yellowstone.  I have the equally long stretches of roads surrounded by fields and a slight smell of manure that signified I was close to my grandparents in Leamington (I wish my kids could have had this same memory).  I have those moments where just before dark Anna and I find ourselves walking the yard, hand in hand, as crickets serenade us and 'rocket'the squirrel puts on a show doing his tightrope walk just for us and that is when it hits...the sigh...the eyes welling with tears because I know my Heavenly Father loves me.

Easter!

I know you have all been waiting patiently and anxiously for my next post...just like my sweet girls in this photo who waited at the very edge of the driveway, because they know they can't go in the street without us, for Anna and I to get all the stuff together to go on a simple family walk (everything! and I do mean everything takes longer with kids because heaven for bid you be blocks from home and you forgot their blanket and they are cold or their sippy and they are thirsty, and did I mention you better have a purple one for Sophie and a pink for Molly or let the wailing, screaming and gnashing of teeth begin.  Sometime I imagine Hell is being trapped in a room with screaming crying toddlers that won't calm down or listen to reason...anyways back to what I was saying).  I know you have been patient but keeping this up when I have a real job that takes attention is harder then I thought...but worth it.

Recently, really it wasn't that long ago, we celebrated Easter.  The Saturday before Easter the girls woke up and searched the house for their Easter baskets and when they found one they also found one for me that Anna had done in secret...I am really a lucky guy.

 On Sunday, Anna and I hosted her side of the family at our house.  It was great and most of the 11 that are in the state came which trust me is a huge accomplishment with schedules and all.  We gathered the grandkids together, oh and Heather because she still counts as a kid and it is a chance for free candy so why not, for an Easter Egg hunt.  We had well over a hundred eggs that my beautiful wife diligently had stuffed, and eaten when the cravings for chocolate hit, and re-stuffed and hid for the event.

With Easter comes spring weather and in my family that means trips to the green houses to prepare for planting season.  Seriously, we visit multiple green houses sometimes not buying a thing but going for the experience and the sure joy it brings our souls.  At J&J we had to visit the fishes.

and at Rocking E we visited the chickens and almost bought chicks...thank goodness we didn't because we are getting chickens already laying eggs from Anna's parents...and Sophie took a ride on a horse (Molly wouldn't have anything to do with it).  Seriously it was a dime...so she rode twice, we're generous like that.

On a separate note, in Sunday school we are studying the Old Testament and I recently came across a realization that I wanted to share.  We'll see if I can share it and make any sense.  We were reading about the Israelites and how right after they were liberated from Egypt, where they witnessed miracles like ummmm HELLO parting of the Red Sea and a literal pillar of fire guiding them in the desert that they complained and turned to Moses for help with hunger and thirst.  First let me make clear, I am in no way judging them as how often in my life have I witnessed the hand of God only to turn the next day and say...where are you, I need some help here.  That being said, I saw a clear pattern that they were hungry and turned to Moses and the Lord provided Manna, they were thirsty and complained and turned to Moses who struck the Rock and the Lord poured out water.  Over and over this happened and I'm sure Moses was like..."come on have a little faith, I'm hungry and thirsty too" but why wouldn't they turn to Moses he always solved the problem and usually with little effort on their part.  So they wandered for 40 years with some success and some well no so proud moments.  Moses learned to be a leader and found a midst that group leaders like Joshua and others who rose to the top.  

I couldn't help but think of my parents in Serbia working with this little branch in their own wilderness and they tried to lead this band of Saints to their own spiritual promised land.  I found that their were so many similarities between the two stories as I hear of my parents desiring more faith from those who they work with and hearing complaining and constant asks not only on them but the Church to step in and solve worldly problems.  They see miracles and they see backs turned, they hear complaints and at times want to cry out..."we know we are right here with you but if you could only trust and open your heart a little more".  They see members who don't want to sacrifice or step up if it is hard or inconvenient and they see members stretch out their hands and then quickly retract them and build walls around their close group not letting anyone in and become hardened and unforgiving of others faults failing to see their own.  But...and this is a key...they also have found their Joshua's in people like Nemanja who are strong and valiant and will, as the Joshua of old did to Jericho, break down the walls so that the branch can grow and the gospel flourish.  Bottom line...my parents need to realize it took Moses, a great prophet of God, 40 years to lead the Israelites to the promised land and they in 18 months have done great work and need to cut themselves some slack.  I'm so proud of my parents and am so excited to have them home next month....NEXT MONTH, so crazy!