***Dear Reader...please know that I have always tried to be honest with myself and others about the highs and the lows in life. Please don't judge me on my weaknesses but know that this is one way in which I can express where I am but also show that everyone has their times. I am not perfect and will never be perfect but I am climbing my mountains not so I can be seen by the world but so that by climbing I can better see.***
I remember hearing my sister tell me a story about a family who were caught in traffic because of an accident up ahead on Christmas day and the mom saying "how horrible to have this tragedy for this family on Christmas" only to get closer and realize it was her kids car and it was her tragedy. Life can change in an instant and this week, as I sat at my desk on a conference call, I got a phone call from my mom which I couldn't take. After I hung up I remembered to call her back and she said "your dad's in the hospital...we think he had a heart attack". Stomach Drop! Here was my tragedy.
My dad is recovering from a mild heart attack and after having a stint put in and blockage cleared they said he should be fine and can resume normal life...but in my mind I just about lost a best friend who I talk to and do stuff with every day. After I got the call and collected myself, after all it could have been a much worse call, I happened to look in the mirror and was startled in that I didn't recognize who I had become. I'm not saying I didn't recognize the graying at the temples or the stomach that protrudes over my waistline. I knew those wrinkles by my eyes and was all to familiar with my 'at risk' chin. What I didn't recognize or like what I saw was the 'me' that was missing. I felt an immediate urge to put out an Amber Alert or search the sides of milk cartons for the 'me' that I knew was missing. Where was the boy who used to do jigs in the laundry room because he couldn't contain the energy or joy. Where was the man who used to laugh so hard he would cry and do chair races in the halls with his coworkers. This 'me' I realized had been missing for some time now and I don't know when he wandered away from camp to be lost in the woods. How is it that I'm just noticing him missing now? Why didn't I see him leave in time to call out to him to come back that I needed him to be a better dad and a better husband. Instead I'm left with this shell and thinking that the best part of me I let go.
It seems these days that I my first response to life's stumbling blocks and let's be honest life's everyday moments is one of anger and impatience. I live my life, it seems, in a state of anger or sadness with maybe a dash of indifference thrown in for good measure. I say that I'm trying to find the joy in the journey and everyone is always saying "Cherish these moments because they go so fast" when I'm feeling like I'm knee deep in crap wandering the sewers and once in awhile see the sun thru a storm grate up ahead and think...Life isn't so bad, I can get through this only to trip and go face first into a stinking pool and come up fuming. My anger is usually unleashed on whoever is closest and easiest to blame and that person is often myself for never being enough. There is also the anger that my first response IS anger. My family talks about the Seelos Anger and I see it alive and well in me but wonder when did I let it take control. Why is it so difficult for me to be happy and to let things go. When did I let my first response be one of rage.
I can justify with the best of them. I can say, and these are honest feelings, that I feel like I'm never heard when I talk by my kids or my wife. That my choices and wants are put on the back burner because this is just the stage of life we are in and my happiness and needs are the low man on the totem poll. I can say that I'm tired of everyone having excuses as to why this happens or why they do what they do when just once it would be refreshing for them to say "you are right" rather then turning it back on me and making it my problem or attitude. I can say that I am tired of people always asking if I am okay when I'm quiet or within myself putting that weight on my shoulders, the burden back on me and it is a burden I am all too happy to take on and internalize and punish myself for later in my own thoughts. Is this the person that they see me as...is this the person my girls and my dear wife have to live with everyday? Is it so unusual for me to be happy or content that people's first reaction to me is 'are you mad' or 'what is wrong'?
I do wonder how other people do it. How do other people carry the burden of providing for the family and spending time with their kids while getting projects done around the house and yard while staying fit and not being exhausted. How do they do it? I am content in my job but thought the amount of money that I'm making would mean a lot freer life then it does. I try and spend time with my kids but often feel burdened down with the amount that needs to get done at home and often feel the weight that things don't get done or started unless I am there to take them on. Then after all of this I often feel as if, when I have given my all and sacrificed myself to house and projects and chores that it, no...that I am never enough. The exhaustion is always present and as I collapse into bed every night I think tomorrow I'm going to be healthy and start working out knowing I just don't have an ounce to give to that now and then I feel ashamed for this overweight blob that I am and think that Anna deserves so much more then this.
I can hear people now reading this already prescribing their best treatments. My mom will say I need to go on medication for depression...my sister will say I should be reading my scriptures more and turning to prayer...my wife will internalize it and probably take on the blame making me wish I had never expressed this in the first place and then put me on a diet of quinoa and salad.
What do I expect? We have trained each other so well over the years on how to do this dance. I have trained them what to expect from me. What I want is to feel like I am enough. I want to know that this screwed up person that I am right now is enough and is loved even with all my fat and wrinkles and gray hairs. I want to feel attractive and sexy. I want to put down the blame and the anger and love more. I want humor to be my default and laughter to fill my home. I want to look in the mirror and see someone I know and have the knowledge that I am enough. I don't want to be handled with kid gloves or have people walk on egg shells around me as upon reading this I have entered a dark place in my life. These are feelings I have carried with me now for years and I think in light of my dad's heart attack they have come up again and refuse to be ignored. In the end it falls on me, I know that and only ask that everyone, including myself, have a little patience as I get there.
