I have put off writing this particular post for many reasons. First and foremost I wasn't even sure I wanted to write it at all and explore the feelings behind it but also it is a difficult post for me to even think about let alone try and express in a way that will convey what I am thinking and feeling. That being said, I have had a lot happen over the past few weeks that keep this topic rolling around in my head and I finally am writing it with the same caveat and prayer that Nephi gave in finishing his writings in the Book of Mormon that..."the words which I have written in weakness we be made strong unto [my children...and] it maketh known unto them of their fathers".
We recently received a letter from my oldest brother expressing that he no longer believed in the tenants of our faith and would be, in essence, leaving the church along with his family. As I read the letter I will admit my first reaction was frustration, anger and to put up my defenses as some of what he wrote came across very condescending to me and my faith. BUT...after taking some time and reading his words I know this was a difficult letter for him to write and that he worried what our reaction would be as a family especially where our faith and knowledge of the gospel is such a central focus of who we are. I also know that this wasn't a decision that he and his wife came to lightly. I know that he worried we would rush to challenge him or even worse cut him off from our family which he so was longing to be a part of. With this perspective it was much easier to put my arms around he and his wife and simply let them know that I loved them unconditionally and that they were always going to be my family and that didn't change. Now before you go thinking how perfect I am know this...I have struggled with still having those feelings of disappointment of overwhelming sadness for their kids not growing up being taught the truth or having a priesthood holder at the head of their home to guide them. I have struggled with not blaming my brother for not doing his part to grow his faith and let his intellectual side down a bit as he has always been so analytical at times and demands proof. I have been angry that my brother's pride has gotten in the way of humbling himself enough to admit that our Heavenly Father doesn't rule by guilt but rather by love but that just as we parents teach out children right and wrong and consequences so does our Heavenly Father but that the consequences are much more eternal. I have been frustrated that I now feel like I have a magnifying glass on me and my family that we have to be perfect and live up to every standard of the gospel lest we be judged as the reason they left the church or be judged as 'jack Mormons'. I feel overwhelmed that I feel I have to work harder to build a relationship with my brother and his family so it doesn't appear that I am cutting them off when I may just be busy or have other things I am dealing with and has nothing to do with their decision. I feel an all encompassing sadness that they could let it go and walk away from all the joy that this gospel has given me. All of these are based simply off of my feelings and reflect more about who I am then who my brother is and the decisions he has made but I share them with you to show how imperfect I am in my attempt to grapple with this.
I would never try and prove the truthfulness of the gospel or descend to debating points of doctrine. I know how personal faith is. I know from my own experience in finding the foundation that I have built my own testimony and remember to when I had to let go of my parents testimony and answer for myself what I knew to be true and what I didn't. I also remember in that moment turning to my parents and my mom saying to me with love in her voice "you need to find out for you...I can't do this for you anymore but I am here if you have questions or want to talk but know this!...you will always be my son and I will always love you no matter what you choose or what ever path you decide to walk" It was in that love that I took my first steps into the darkness and at times lost my way midst the fog and haze but it was also in that love that I saw the light and was able to step on solid ground and take my place with my hand firmly grasping the 'iron rod'.
If anything my brother's revelation about his unbelief has made Anna and I take a harder look at ourselves and has made us ask "Where do we stand?" and "What do we really believe?". It has made our nieces and nephews question if they would still go to church each Sunday if their parents weren't waking them up to get ready or going with them. It has made me ask myself "Whose side are you on?" and "If you know, how are you showing it?" It has made us take inventory of our beliefs and our goals and our lives. We have come to realize that in the last days that even the faithful will fall away and this time it just hit a little closer to home and gave us a very clear wake-up call.
This subject, these questions have been on our mind constantly and I believe led to a very special experience for me this past week. I went to bed as normal and although I am sure I dream often don't always remember what I dream. On this particular night I woke within a dream and in the dream there were standing over me and Anna two men who roughly took us out of our bed and as we shakily knelt facing each other on opposite sides of the bed with fear and tears streaming down our face and a gun to my head...they were shouting things and threatening us but I didn't hear because in this instance I was focused on my thoughts and everything else was muted and in slow motion. I thought Daniel raise your arm to the square and use your priesthood to caste them out and command them to leave and then immediately I was filled with doubt and it was as if someone asked me
"Do you believe the priesthood could do that?"
"Do you believe they would obey the priesthood?"
"Do you have the faith that it would take to have the priesthood act?"
"What if it isn't God's will to have them leave? What if you say it and nothing happens but it had nothing to do with the Priesthood or faith but was simply God's will and your wife and girls are killed is this what is going to make you turn your back on the gospel and walk away?"
but...and this is key here...in response to these doubt filled questions I heard myself responding. I heard myself answering the questions that YES I had enough faith and YES they would respond if it was God's will and the fact that I even thought to raise my arm showed the faith at least the size of a mustard seed. I found myself in the dream raising my head to look at my wife whom I love above all else and in that moment that our eyes met knowing that I had made my choice a long time ago. I had chosen this woman who was kneeling across from me. I had chosen those girls who slept a few steps away. I had chosen whose side I was on and it was the Lord's! It was in that moment that I literally shouted Anna's name waking both her and I from our sleep.
As I lay there obviously disturbed by the dream I couldn't get back to sleep and got up from my bed to go downstairs and lock up the house and check on everything to make sure it was safe and sound. I thought the thought that had been plaguing me for months that I needed to bless the house as we hadn't done it since moving in over a year ago. After making sure everything was okay I went into the living room (my favorite place to pray as it seems to be the sacred ground in our house. A place for gospel talks, home teachers, blessings and family gatherings) and knelt down before the Lord and laid my burdens at his feet. In closing I said "let me go back to sleep knowing You and Your angels are watching over me and my family" I quickly rose and headed for the stairs only to be stopped in my tracks with the thought that how was I ever going to hear the Lord answer my prayers if I didn't take the time to let him talk as Becki had always told me to do. So I stopped and clear as day, believe what you want, but clear as day I heard the words from a hymn say "Fear not I am with you, oh be not dismayed, for I am your God and will still give you aid". You can imagine the feeling in that living room which to me feels often like sacred ground and I was overwhelmed that my Lord knew me in that moment and He knew as did I whose side I was on!
In the morning I looked up the hymn to see what it was because although I knew the words it wasn't one that was overwhelmingly familiar to me. It is the second verse to the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" and I couldn't think of a better answer to my prayers and the questions that have been rolling around in my head.
My foundation is sure, I know in whom I have trusted. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is guiding me on a daily basis. I know that the plan of happiness laid out by Him and backed by the Savior is indeed the truth and how happy I am to know the purpose of my life and have the Spirit teaching me and guiding me to lift up my head and be better or to wrap it's tender arms around me and say everything will be okay you are loved and that will never change. I know the Book of Mormon to be the word of God and that Joseph Smith is and was a prophet of the Lord who had his own prayers answered as can I. I know that we are led by a true prophet of God today in President Thomas S. Monson and that God truly speaks to him and the twelve apostles today to help us see the path. Most importantly, I know that I can know for myself and that everyone else can too if that pray and turn their lives over to the Lord. I now know and realize I already did know where I stand and what I believe and I now will move forward with my hand firmly grasping the rod and will let my light shine forth.
