These past few days I have been feeling sorry for myself…I have been throwing my very own pity party with black balloons, stale cookies and a clown that can only make a balloon animals shaped like a snake. I don’t know why but I have felt an oppressive weight closing in around me. I have been feeling a lack of motivation in all aspects of my life. In work I can’t seem to move forward and seem to stare at my computer all day trying to do anything besides the work before me. In life I can’t even get myself to take the time to write a new resume but complain that my job search isn’t moving forward and why isn’t God doing his part. I can’t even seem to get excited about the things I love like working in the yard or design work.
As I knelt down this morning to seek refuge with the Lord I found myself ending my prayer without even knowing what I said… “Wait!” I found myself saying, “didn’t I kneel down because I needed to speak with the Lord and find a peace amidst this unsettling fog…can I not even find the motivation to speak with the Lord” I stopped the prayer and just began to speak with the Lord. I poured out my frustration, my doubts and my growing bitterness that I have to be the responsible one. I crave being creative and designing, painting and writing but have to be the one to earn a living to provide. Do I begrudge B for wanting to be a stay at home mom…not in the least I want my children to have their mom there and what a mom she will be. I guess you could say I’m jealous of the time she will have to bond with our kids and the ability she will have to explore her creative side with projects, etc. It seems like the world is much more accepting of women being the creative ones and if you are a man who likes to create then something must be wrong with you.
But then a light seems to pierce the gloom as only light can and I realized that just a little over a year ago I wanted nothing more than what I have in this moment. A wife that loves me and a family in the making. I have a stable job that pays better than most, even with the stress. I’m active in the gospel and feel a part of a ward family. I have parents that love and sacrifice for me and my happiness. A beautiful home to call my own. An education that will open doors and most importantly a knowledge of who I am…a child of God who has the ability to conquer Satan and overcome anything he may throw in my path. I long to be as Nephi who while journeying to his promised land did “praise him all the day long; and…did not murmur against the Lord because of (his) afflictions.” Nephi continues saying that “we did arrive at the Promised Land; …yea, we did put all our seeds into the earth… And it came to pass that they did grow exceedingly; wherefore, we were blessed in abundance.” As I continue to take this journey to find my own promised land in my everyday life I have to believe that I am planting my own seeds that have and will continue to grow into abundance.
