I do......Welcome to the family!

Amidst the storm that endlessly swirled around the Badger family the week of Jared's death there were also glowing, shining moments of joy and bliss.  One of which was the wedding of Anna's younger brother Aaron to his long time girlfriend and fiance HaLee (who has been a part of the family honestly longer then I have by a month or so).  They wanted the wedding simple and so we all gathered at the courthouse to see this happy moment transpire.

When ordering flowers for Jared's funeral we added on the boquet for HaLee (who was very close to Jared) as his gift to her on her wedding.  Also because of Jared's death two siblings that weren't going to be able to be at the wedding were able to come.  Amy and her family had driven out from Texas and Jesse came back from a business trip early from China.  Hidden blessings in dark.

We managed to snap this beauty of a family photo (seriously I love it) in the hall of the courthouse while waiting for the judge to come in.  I had driven down to meet the family and didn't know I was coordinating perfectly for what looks like a planned family photo shoot.

Dear Jared...

On October 6th my wife's older brother took his own life.  I haven't known how to process this, how to help Anna and her family as they grieve or really what to do.  I have thought for some time now that I need to talk to Jared and for me that means writing him a letter so that I can be honest with him...the good and the bad...on how I am feeling and that possibly this will provide me with some sense of understanding or closure.  Please forgive me if I offend and know it was not my intent as I love Jared and always will.  Here goes....

Dear Jared,

ohhhhhh Jared I don't even know where to begin...I won't ask why as most people think in situations like this because I know what it feels like to be in that place of no return where darkness seems to press in on you like a physical fog and weight you can't escape.  My heart is broken for you, for the pain and the loneliness that you must have been feeling and for the pain you must be feeling still as you see the storm your decision has left behind.  Let me start by saying that we love you!  We always have, even when you didn't make it easy for us and seemed intent on shutting us out of your life.

That being said, I am so mad at you!  I am mad that you left us.  I am made that you left your girls without their dad.  I am mad that you didn't give us the chance to help you.  I am mad that my sweet Anna will always feel that she never got your approval and now has taken on settling your estate having to wade into your life and not being able to move on for several months; all to make you proud of her.  I am mad that your estate, your mess is now our problem and that you didn't make it easy but rather created impossible passwords and thumbprint detectors that will only cause heartache to those who have to try and solve the problems.  I am mad that you have become a wedge in my relationship with Anna as I try and help her grieve but have felt an immovable wall go up around her as she shuts off her feelings to everything and everyone so she won't have to face the pain and the hole you have now left behind.  How could you not tell her that you loved her and were proud of her...everyone speaks of how special you made them feel in life and this only caused my sweet Anna more pain as she never got your approval and was always running to catch up to you and get your acceptance.  We still had a life to build together Jared....we still had moments to share and memories to build.  I am sad that my girls...my precious girls who loved you soooo much and always lit up when they saw you won't have you there anymore and probably won't remember the uncle they loved so much.  I'm sad for the hole that you have created.  For the shadow that will forever be over this family every holiday for the rest of our life.  I'm mad that you made promised to Aaron and Halee to be at their wedding and then to do this the very week that they planned to have the happiest day of their lives and now your death will forever be connected to their anniversary.  That wasn't fair, none of this is fair.

I am however, so grateful for the peace that we have felt.  For the knowledge that we know you are being taken care of and that we will see you again.  I am grateful that my wife and your mom are getting comfort thru sorting your things feeling that they are getting to know the man that was so cut off from them.  I am grateful for the outpouring of love that has been shown since your death and for the reminder to cherish every moment and to tell everyone that you love them one more time.  I am grateful for those moments that I feel you.  Often you catch me off guard as I walk through the house alone at night shutting off lights or as I walk to the garden.  I wish you would visit Anna and let her know you are there and maybe you are and her wall won't let you in yet...don't give up on her she needs you more then you know.  I wish I knew how I could help you and what you wanted from me.  Most of all Jared, my wish for you is that you will be able to forgive yourself and that you will find the peace you need.  We love you Jared and we always will.  I look forward to getting to know you as memories are shared through out the years.  Until we meet again dear brother...

General Conference Lessons

A little over a week ago was Fall General Conference.  The older I get the more I look forward to conference knowing that I am going to hear straight from the prophets mouths on what the Lord would have us do in these modern times not only brings comfort but a sense of importance to what is said.  This year as conference approached my sister and I decided that we would go into conference with a prayer in our hearts to hear what we needed to hear on an individual basis for our own lives and struggles that lay ahead and then after conference we would share what we had learned.  It was so great for me to do this as so often conference comes and goes and I listen and feel the spirit and feel inspiration but then life comes and with it a mountain of tasks and somehow the inspiration fades and is forgotten.  I was also surprised by the fact that some of the inspiration had nothing to do with what the speaker was talking about but that because I had opened my heart to hear the Lord knew he could finally speak some of what needed to be taught.  I don't remember all the speakers and when the inspiration happened specific to talks for the most part but here is what I felt:

• Interesting enough one of the first impressions I got from conference was to cherish and love my wife with everything I have.  To make her feel loved and never to question that I would come to her aid or defense.  To make her feel that she is my everything and my first thought is her happiness.  What a great reminder because I have been blessed to have her in my life and too often I find myself trapped in the trap of nit picking when I should be seeing everything that she does for me.  What a blessing!

• As often happens in conference you start to hear themes.  Although the speakers aren't given topics they surely pray about what to discuss and I'm sure are lead to the things that we are supposed to hear in that moment.  One such theme I felt this conference was to watch out for those who need help.  Elder Holland (the Lord's secret weapon) gave a great talk about this.  I have been feeling for some time that Anna and I need to do more to give back...if only my actions were as good as my intentions.  I really want to look for opportunities to give back and help more.  

• Okay....this bit goes hand in hand with two talks.  The first talk was AMAZING and probably one of my favorite all time talks ever.  Elder Uchtdorf gave the talk "Lord, Is it I? in the priesthood session of conference and spoke about how we often overlook where we need improvement and rather focus on what others could be doing better.  He goes on to talk about the twelve apostles and how at the last supper Christ told them that one of them would betray him and instead of looking at their neighbor with suspicion or judgement they each asked the question "Lord, is it I?".  How beautiful is that!  The second talk was given by Elder Carlos Godoy titled "The Lord has a plan for us".  In this talk he spoke about how he was happy and living comfortably in his life when a friend asked him if he was living his life and doing things that would allow the Lord to fulfill his patriarchal blessing and give him those promised blessings.  This struck me and I thought...am I putting myself in situations or on the right path that the Lord can in fact fulfill the blessings promised in my blessing.  Too often I have only thought of worthiness being a factor for those blessings to be fulfilled and this opened my eyes to more responsibility on my part.  So I am going to start asking the question...Is it I? and I am going to re read my blessing to see what things I may need to change in order for blessings to be fulfilled (as in maybe I should start looking into family history).

• I also got the impression that I need to work on and build a solid relationship and friendship with my brother Rick.  I love Rick and always have but to say that we have a solid friendship would be an understatement.  We have different interests and honestly he hasn't lived close enough to call spur of the moment to do things but now he does so I am going to foster that.  He loves family history maybe that can be a start for us.

• I felt very strongly that I need to start having daily personal prayer with the Lord (gasp...that is right I haven't been doing this)  I talk to the Lord all day in my head and often out loud and we have family prayer every morning before our family squeeze.  But again, how interesting that these are all connected, my patriarchal blessings says that I should talk to the Lord as if he is kneeling by my side and I haven't been doing that.  Can you imagine if I did what doors may open up if I stopped to listen and who I may be directed to in order to help and bless.

• Lastly, I also got the prodding that I could do better.   Mainly that I needed to do my home teaching.  (I know gasp again...close your mouth before swallows make a nest in it and realize I have a long way to go).  My main reason (besides understanding home teaching in theory and all but hating being home taught and doing it myself) is that I am literally terrified of my companion.  We are as opposite as night and day....no even more than that!  He is a rough construction worker who is all man and gruff...he uses nails instead of toothpicks and i'm sure sites in a den covered with animal heads mounted on the wall.  I on the other hand want...well let's just say I have never been what you may call manly.  He scares me to bits and he said..."I don't ever teach the lesson" and he only wants to visit on Sunday which I HATE...that is my family day!  BUT....I am changing right.  So I am going to duck tape boards to my knees so they won't shake and go and talk to him and see what we can do...wish me luck.

I love that we aren't left on our own to find our path and that the Lord continues to speak to prophets in our day.  I am so blessed to have that knowledge and to live in a time when their messages can be heard and shared.  

San Diego continued...

Day 3:  Sea World
We had booked tickets to visit Sea World as our big adventure on this trip and set out to make the most of the day.  We got there just before the park opened purely by accident and upon entering headed to the back of the park and for the first few hours it seemed like we were alone at the park...it was glorious.  The girls loved it...running from one thing to another.  Sophie was adventurous and would reach in and touch the varied sea life from manna rays to star fish whereas Molly was not willing to touch a thing but loved looking and taking it all in with her eyes.  We saw all kinds of animals from the seals to a dolphin show where, as the girls tell it "there was a girl named Marina who was dressed in pink pajamas (a pink wet suit) and swam with the dolphins and then waved at us"  We were shocked at how large Walrus's are...the size of elephants without legs and the girls got a close up view of them.

They loved seeing the animals under the water and getting a close up view of what they looked like.  I loved the pure wonder that you could see on their faces as they experienced the magic of it all.

Sea World also has a section dedicated to toddlers which was perfect for us.  It had rides and bounce houses and even a splash pad that allowed the girls to get wet at the hottest part of the day.  Sophie loved the rides...again, Molly not so much.  So Sophie and I took our turn on the 'tea cups' and you can see for yourself the joy on this girls face.

As we got ready to leave the park we put the girls in the stroller and headed towards the exit only to look down and see that both had fallen fast asleep.  The timing couldn't have been better.

Day 4:  The Beach 

 Today's big adventure was heading out to Coronado Island and hitting the beach.  We found a great spot and set up our blanket, chairs and canopy and the girls loved being in the sand.

 Sophie and I immediately went down to the water (I'm the great white whale holding Sophie's hand) and even when the waved pushed Sophie over she jumped up giggling and danced in the surf. 

Molly seeing how much fun it appeared to be came down to join us.  She stepped into the water and as soon as it touched her toes screamed and was done with the ocean scrambling back up the bank to the safety of the sand and her mom.

 Anna only got wet when she was sitting talking to us on the bank in a safe zone and an overzealous wave decided to get her in the action soaking her butt.

At one point a large rock washed ashore and Sophie wanted to keep it.  She is into collecting rocks at the moment because she wants a rock cabinet like her geologist grandpa.  I was off packing up the car...a long walk to the car mind you over sand...and Anna told her that she wasn't going to take the rock and if Sophie wanted it she would have to carry it herself.  Anna sat down, as she wasn't feeling well, and the next thing she knew Sophie was 3/4 of the way to the car by herself carrying that stupid rock which now sits proudly by the side of Sophie's bed. 

As we drove around that evening and the girls slept in the car we stopped to visit the ground of the San Diego temple and marvel in the beauty that it was and how lucky we are to have so many temples on earth today.

Day 5:  Drive to Vegas and the Strip
Happy Birthday to me and for my birthday I got to pack up the car and drive to Vegas.  The drive itself was very uneventful.  Upon arriving in Vegas we checked into our hotel and headed to the strip.  I wanted to visit the M&M store and Coca-Cola store as I thought they would be fun.  We parked at Ceasar's palace because on a map it looked close...just two blocks away.  Little did I know that those blocks were a mile each and packed with people, strippers, drunk partiers and porn propaganda everywhere.  Besides that you can't just cross a street in Vegas you have to get in an elevator go up to a sky walk and down another elevator because we had a stroller.  IT WAS HELL!  Once we finally got to the stupid store we discovered it was just M&M Swag...we thought it would be like a factory of sorts or something more then just cheaply made pens that cost $25.  But having traveled so far we had to buy some M&M's for the girls and so we spent $8 on a bag that would be .75 cents in the store. 

We battled our way back swearing off Vegas for good and finally got in our cars...by this time I was sure my birthday was a bust.  As we left the parking garage our phones buzzed and we got flash flood warnings and the heavens opened up and it was literally like someone was throwing buckets of water on our car from either side.  We inched our way back to our hotels starving from not eating all day and I set out in the rain to get dinner and bring it back.  I can honestly say it was one of the worst birthday's I have had and it was all my fault (Vegas was my idea).  Anna did surprise me with a few gifts which was very thoughtful of her. 

Day 6: Wet Drive home
We ended the trip with a very wet drive home from Vegas...a trip that normally takes 6 hours took 10 as we were drenched with thunderstorms, closed highways and tired girls all the way home.  When we finally staggered into our home it was a welcome sight but looking back the trip was wonderful.  We bonded with our girls.  They had a ton of fun and we realized we can do this family trip thing and so now the thought is where we go next.

San Diego here we come!

 At the end of September we set out to take our first ever family vacation with our girls.  Anna and I have gone on vacations a few times since we have been married including our trip this past year to Eastern Europe to see my parents but we have never gone on a vacation with our girls. This year we thought they were finally at an age that we could have fun and that they hopefully would cooperate and after researching several ideas we settled on a week in San Diego and it was wonderful.  Bear with me as I force you to sit through my 'slide show' of what we did.

Day 1:  We set out on Sunday after attending the dedication of the Ogden Temple.  It was 3rd Sunday dinner with the Badgers so we decided we would set out and start our vacation by inching closer to the destination by staying the night at the Ranch.  Molly was very excited for the vacation to start and get on with this magical California that she kept hearing about.

Day 2:  The Drive...this is the day we dreaded and prayed about the most.  We would be making a 12 hour drive from Mapleton to San Diego and although our girls have experience sitting in the car for a few hours when we garage sale this was a whole new adventure.  We woke up at 5am and got on the road hoping that the girls would go back to sleep...no such luck.  That being said, the girls were wonderful and watched shows on the iPad and their DVD players, took naps, and in Molly's case chatted away the whole time snacking at every opportunity.  We didn't have any fits or freakouts and arrived in San Diego happy and ready to start the trip off right.  As soon as we reached St. George and Sophie say her first Palm Trees she shouted out and said "Mom! Dad! Coconut Trees!"  We are amazed at all that she knows and often wonder where she picks it up.

Day 3:  Balboa Park and Old Town
We decided to visit Balboa Park for our morning activity and then take some quiet time back at the hotel and hit Old Town that night.  Balboa park was beautiful as ever and we loved wondering through the elaborate detailed old Spanish buildings.

It was perfect because our girls could run and get their wiggles out as we wandered the sites.

We loved visiting the Shade House with its palms and orchids.  It also had a reflecting pond with water lilies and koa fish and turtles (which we later learned had been dropped off by people not wanting them for pets anymore and shouldn't have been in the pond).

After exhausting our girls at Balboa we headed back to our hotel hoping that we could maintain some sort of routine while on vacation...YEAH RIGHT!  Molly wouldn't take a nap and Sophie although watching a show also wanted to dance and sing for quiet time.  After trying for an hour or so we gave up and changed into our suits and headed down to the hotel pool.

We quickly realized there is only so much you can do in a pool with little girls that won't swim on their own and so the pool didn't last long but the girls still loved it.  I had been excited about visiting Old Town San Diego for awhile and so we packed the girls in the car and headed off.  Well...they quickly fell asleep minutes from our destination.  That didn't stop us, we put them in the stroller and were off and miracles of miracles they stayed asleep through dinner at a noisy Mexican Restaurant where the portions were HUGE and also would burn your mouth off after one bite.  

We wandered the tourist shops and village stopping to see a performance of Mexican folk dancers.  We tried several different flavors of Root Beer and stopped to see the site of the Mormon Battalion.  When we left at dark I looked at my little troop of girls and realized this is what life is all about.

San Diego...to be continued.