Stormy Seas

Throughout the 1800’s many ships and crew were lost at sea due to being overloaded and when the ships would reach rough sea they would sink.  In 1876 Samuel Plimsoll developed what is now known as the Plimsoll line which is an imaginary line drawn on ships to show at what point they can no longer take on any more load and remain safe should they encounter rough seas.    As Anna and I started the 2017 year we had just welcomed our fourth child and felt that our Plimsoll line was already at its max and that we were traveling very close to the water.  Little did we know the storms that would come our way as we set out to begin this journey including being laid off and now languishing in this state for months.  I can’t help but compare it to my favorite story in the scriptures found in Matthew 14:22-33.  This is where Jesus sent his disciples out on the sea of Galilee and in verse 24 it says, “But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves:  for the wind was contrary” For me this describes exactly where we are at in our lives.  Our little ship is loaded to the max and we are lost in storm-tossed seas and the wind is definitely  contrary.  In Mark’s version of the story it says “and He saw them toiling in rowing”…“and in the fourth watch of the sea, Jesus went unto them”.   The fourth watch is the last watch of the night.  It is right before morning.  So Christ’s disciples had rowed all night and had fought the wind and the seas.  They were exhausted and tired.    I know that both Anna and I are exhausted.  We aren’t sure if we can do it anymore.  Not a day goes by that I don’t cry out to the Heaven’s for mercy from this trial….BUT…I have to trust that Christ sees me toiling in rowing.  Anna and I feel we are both well into our fourth watch and our strength is going to give out but on we row, trusting that He is watching us and that soon He will come in our fourth watch.   

We also realize that we aren’t alone in feeling this anguish and despair.  We know many around us who are toiling in their boats and who are rowing against the wind.  Joseph Smith himself cried out in agony while in Liberty Jail “O God where art thou?...How long shall thy hand be stayed…Yea, O Lord how long shall [we] suffer…before…thy bowels be moved with compassion toward mercy” (D&C 121:-3)  This was Joseph Smith.  A prophet of God who had seen our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ face to face and had several other heavenly messengers visit with him and confirm on him their power and authority and yet he, in the midst of his storm, cried out in despair unsure if the Savior saw him toiling.  Unsure when the rescue or even if the rescue would come.  I’m sure all along he was questioning why this trial, what did he need to learn.  Elder Harold B. Lee taught “Sometimes the things that are best for us and the things that bring eternal rewards seem at the moment to be the most bitter, and the things forbidden are ofttimes the things which seem to be the more desirable”.  Yet Elder Holland states unequivocally, “You can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experience with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced…every experience can become a redemptive experience…man’s extremity is God’s opportunity”.

Out of Joseph’s misery and despair came one of the clearest and most faith filled scriptures I know of.  In D&C 123:17 he states, “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren [and sisters, when we are in even the most troubling of times], let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (emphasis added by E. Holland).   I love this scripture because it gives hope and direction and teaches the ultimate lesson on weathering your own storm.  From this scripture, I have come to realize three steps I need to take.

1.        Cheerfully do all that I can do.

So often we pray and we ask our Father in Heaven to save us both literally and figuratively and then sit back and wait for our salvation yet I was raised with the value of hard work and the understanding to depend on the Lord but do your part.  St. Augustine once said “Pray as though everything depended on God and then work as though everything depended on you”.  Anna and I are doing our part.  We have cut back expenses, limited what little luxuries we indulged in before (as we didn’t have an extravagant life before hand).  We have fasted and prayed and poured over the scriptures and the words of modern day prophets.  We have gotten blessings when needed and sought counsel and comfort from family and friends.  We have followed the counsel given in blessings and opened our mouth to everyone around us as humiliating as it feels.  Last but certainly not least we have applied for countless positions looking forward with hope each time we interview and praying that this will be the one.  Looking back at the account in the scriptures I consider this part the rowing.  We haven’t given up.  We haven’t stopped rowing admist the storm.

2.       Stand Still and Know

Perhaps of all the steps, this step feels the hardest.  I love the imagery of standing still and knowing that our Father in Heaven is there and that he sees us rowing and is on His way to rescue us.  The pure act of standing still makes me think of the temple and a quiet reverence that comes as you cross over the threshold there.  The world may carry on in chaos around you but in those walls you know who you are, who you truly are and your connection with our Father in Heaven.  Standing Still implies an assurance, a peace or hope. 

Elder Uchtdorf spoke of hope and despair saying “The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness.  Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be.  Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart.  Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward. 

Hope on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances.  It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn.  It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear.”  This is the part I love best… “Hope is not knowledge but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us…It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered.  It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.” And I would add in standing still. 

Anna and I don’t have a knowledge of when we will be rescued or in what capacity or with what job but we will continue to row and hold our ground so that we can stand still and know He is on the shore and that He sees us.  This leads me to the third lesson.

3.       Seeing the salvation of God

When all seems lost around us it often feels so much easier to focus all our attention on what we lack.  We focus on the storm because let’s be honest we are tired and the storm appears to be so overwhelming and we are just trying to say a float and keep our heads above the waves that to focus on little else is a distraction.  That being said, Brigham Young once stated, “I do not know of any, excepting the unpardonable sin, that is greater than the sin of ingratitude”.    If I stop rowing for one second and look around I would be able to see so many blessing around me.  The least of which is that I’m not rowing alone.  Not too long ago I prayed to have an eternal companion who would fight with and for me not knowing then who it was or when I would meet her but the Lord fulfilled His promise and sent me Anna.  So often as my strength gives out I feel her rowing harder.  I feel her loving embrace and her words of encouragement.  “We can do this” has become our mantra.  If I look around again I see family members praying for me, taking me to lunch, lifting me when I can’t stand on my own.  I see friends encouraging me, blessing me and sharing the load.  I see members of my ward praying for me and bearing my burden when even with the Savior’s help I can’t bear the burden anymore.  It is in kind words, it is gifts left on our doorstep and even in the asking if I have a job yet which makes me realize I am loved and blessed beyond measure.  I realize I’m not rowing alone. 

I have often had moments where I’m standing at my sink and looking out on my yard and I realize how blessed I am to live where I live with the home and yard that I have.  I have walked into my chapel on many occasions and heard the pioneer benches creak under my weight and have recognized the blessing I have of having the gospel in my life and the sacrifice of those who came before me.  I have looked into the eyes of my children and felt their love for me and I realize I am blessed. 

One writer once expressed, “In the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] and invincible summer.”  Gratitude is that summer.  Recognizing the Lord in the little things are those warm summer days that can penetrate even into the darkest of winters. 

A friend wrote a poem that manages to express maybe better than I have done here all that I’m feeling.

Always ever and today.

Dear Lord, why dost thou tarry

While this storm has left me weak?

Above the crash of thund’ring surf,

I cannot hear thee speak. 

I cling in desperation

To withstand each breaking wave,

Dear Lord, wilt thou not rescue

and my simple life, now save?

I fear Thee tired of listening,

And dost Thou even know

The rising sea that threatens

And the deadly undertow?

I cannot fight this battle,

I’m alone and sinking fast,

Dear Lord, wilt thou not answer?

Is my time of ransom past?

I pause…I strain to listen,

As the tempest seems to calm,

And a voice, not loud, but piercing

Speaks of peace…a soothing balm.

“Dear child, of course I heard you,

You never were alone,

I stood here merely waiting

Till your trust and faith had grown,

Enough…to seek for answers,

Enough…to call my name,

To believe that I could help you

And the wildest oceans tame.

Dear child I know your asking,

Before your words can form,

I am with you in the sunshine

Even more so in the storm,

Be at peace and know I love you

Oh, be still and hear my voice,

Through each storm and wind and tempest

It is you who makes the choice,

Will you turn to me for wisdom?

Or in pride just turn away?

Remember I am waiting,

Always…ever, and…today.

Anna and I will continue to row.  We will not turn away.  We will cling to promises made and we will stand still and know.  Elder Holland said “I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept.”  I look forward with hope for the Savior walking towards my boat to calm my seas and in the meantime, I will row.  

This does not define you...you know who you are.

I'll be honest with you.  Being unemployed sucks.  It has been a very hard trial and some days I have a lot of faith and feel the Lord working on my side and other days I don't have any and feel like my world is going to collapse in on itself and that I will never wake from this bad dream.  You start questioning when will this end...will it end...why does no one want to interview me...is something wrong with me?  It is hard not to start to spiral into self doubt, fear and a plain old feeling of inadequacy to the task I has been asked to take on.

However, in the movie Moana there is a song that strikes such a chord in me that it is as if it was written just for me. In Moana's moment, of self doubt, fear and feeling of inadequacy to the task she had been asked to take on, her grandma comes to her from the other side of the veil and says, "Sometime the world seems against you, the journey may leave a scar,  but scars can heal and reveal just where you are.  The people you love will change you, the things you have learned will guide you, and nothing on earth can silence the quiet voice still inside you, and when that voice starts to whisper [Daniel], you have come so far.  [Daniel] listen, do you know who you are?"

Who am I?  Do I know who I am?  As a friend once told Anna and I, "Stop and ask yourselves what is the truth".  What is the truth that underlies ever misunderstanding, every sham that Satan holds up as truth, every distraction.  Ask yourself what is the truth.  The truth is I do know who I am.

I am a son of a living God who has been endowed with powers from on high.  I am also a man full of imperfections but who is choosing his Heavenly Father every day and striving to live my life in accordance with His commandments and His plan of happiness.  I am a dad and that is a title I cherish as there was a point not too long ago that I didn't think I would ever have that title in this lifetime.  I love my family unconditionally and without question and know that my kids know that I love them and I feel their love in return.  I am a husband to an incredible woman who I work to live up to and be worthy of every day.  Life so often gets in the way and I can forget how blessed I felt to kneel across from this strong woman and to look into the eyes of the person with whom I get to share eternity.  I am a brother to some very awesome siblings by blood and by marriage and am grateful for the moments I get to build those connections and learn from their examples and their stories.  I am a son of wonderful parents who true to my patriarical blessing are my best friends and biggest advocates.  Through them I know the power of love, sacrifice and dedication.  Through them I have gained my testimony and my sure ground because they willingly allowed me to stand on theirs with the safety to know I was always welcome.  I am descended from generations of people who have shown me through their lives what it means to choose the Lord, to overcome and to carry on with faith and I feel them standing behind me cheering me on and lifting me up.

I am creative and talented and thrive on building these talents through art, writing or even reupholstering furniture.  I have felt the power of the creator and love to be outside with my hands in the dirt dreaming up ways that my own little promised land in Sheridan Circle will be more beautiful today than it was yesterday.

I am empathetic.  I have lived and this makes me stronger because I understand what it means to have fallen flat on my face, to have given up only to get up and try again and also what it feels like to have the sweet spirit flood my soul and lift me to the greatest of heights.  I am able to relate to just about anyone if you can make it past that wall of protection people place around themselves.  I'm not judgmental because your weakness is different from mine.  In fact I am very aware of my weaknesses and because of this I have become strong.

I am a hard worker.  I was raised by parents who taught us that by the sweat of our brow would we succeed (and a promise of a fountain drink or rainbow slush didn't hurt) and I have never been afraid to take on hard things.  I am happy when I'm busy.  I'm happy when I'm needed and I'm happy when I can look back and say 'I did that'.

I am a believer.  I know that Jesus Christ lives.  I know that the gospel was restored to Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove and that the Book of Mormon is truly another testament to Jesus Christ and His life and plan.  I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me personally and not just as one of the masses.  He loves me and wants me to succeed.  I am His son.

So as I get back to the truth, 'the root of the root and the bud of the bud' I do know who I am. As much as Satan would like to hold up his version of me that says I'm unemployed and failing as a provider and not living up to my role as a father I can see that this moment in time does not define me.  I am Daniel Joseph Seelos and in my eyes that is enough.

A better land.

In early January Anna and I got word that my work would be doing layoffs as they downsized our line of service by half, across the country.  We put our faith and our lives in the Lords hands looking forward with faith that he would take care of us whether I stayed at PwC or if he took us down another path.  Weeks passed and then we got the call that I would be laid off along with the rest of my team in Denver at the beginning of March.  I was devastated.  I thought for sure I wouldn’t be asked to go back into the refiner’s fire but here I was facing another job search after just three years.  What hurt the most was that I felt so lead to this position by the Lord and could look back and often shared my experience of feeling the Lord creating this position for me. After a day or two of tears and shock I was able to pull myself together and realize that the Lord had lead me to the job at PwC and what a blessing it had been and that He will lead me to another job.  In fact Anna and I felt His hand in this next step very strongly.  It reminded me of a favorite quote of mine that says “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone.  The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes.  To someone who doesn’t understand growth it would look like utter destruction.”  The nice thing is this time around Anna and I have realized the Lord prepared us and we do understand growth.

For months now Anna and I have felt what we call the ‘knocking’.  Where your spirit is telling you that you need to grow and you need to step it up.  Lately as I have been reading in the Book of Mormon I have heard the prophets calling themselves and their people to “awake their souls” and I realize this ‘knocking’ is not unique to me.   Anna and I felt that we needed to grow closer to the Lord.  We felt we needed to establish patterns in our lives that increased our connection to the spirit and the Lord.  We both committed to re-reading the Book of Mormon in 2017 and to saying our prayers every night as a couple.  These and other efforts were already started when we got the call so the blow that would be so devastating to many, although traumatic and difficult, was lessened by an increase in faith growing within us already.  Anna even said to me, “is it strange that I fell excitement for what is to come?” and I said “You know what I couldn’t have put it better myself”.  That isn’t to say I don’t worry about my future and have my days of doubt and fear but in those moments, I strive to remember that fear is an absence of faith and I know in whom I have trusted and know that my Father in Heaven is aware of me and working on my behalf. 

As I have moved into this next state of being without employment I have felt a connection as well to an overwhelming support system on both sides of the veil.  I felt impressed to share my experience one fast Sunday in testimony meeting and as utterly uncomfortable and humbling it was I can now say that I have felt the power of other people’s prayers on my behalf and have felt others love and concern for me and my little family.  I have also had experiences where I feel others on the other side of the veil cheering me on and lifting me up.  Since my maternal grandparents have passed away my mom, sister and I often have found dimes left in odd places and people think that if you find dimes it is a sign from others on the other side that they are with you.  On hard days I have had experiences where I go to get in the car and there is a dime in the middle of the driver’s seat (I don’t use cash so it wasn’t out of my pocket) or I have reached in the pocket of jeans fresh out of the washer to have them empty except for a single dime and I have stopped and realized my grandparents are cheering me on and watching out for me.  I have started to keep the dimes so I can see that connection over the coming months and years. 

I have also put together a vision board to call down the powers of heaven and use my powers of creation into something positive rather than something full of fear or doubt.  I look at it every day several times a day and it has helped.  I created the board based off of this map for vision boards: 

And here is my final vision board:

Many of the photos are self explanatory but let me explain a few.  In the center top where I have placed how I would like to be known I found this painting of Christ washing the feet of his disciples that I realized perfectly represented how I want to be known.  First of all I had an epiphany recently that the more trials we experience the more empathy we gain and empathy in essence, is who the Savior is.  After all empathy is an expression that you have suffered and understand what others have gone through and didn’t the Savior descend beneath it all for us.   So as I gain more empathy I realize I am gaining power and becoming more Christlike every day.  Secondly, I want to be known for serving others and the Lord.  Lastly, I love the visual of the Savior washing the feet because he was literally washing the world off of those whom he loved and I want to be that kind of a person where people feel that I wash the world, the dirt, their fears and their doubts away and leave them lighter and happier.  I want to be known as a feet washer. 

Another photo on the board shows a girl smiling as the wind hits her face.  This photo reminded me to appreciate the little things.  Look for the good in the basics and in the mundane things.  My favorite quote (and is also on the board) says  “Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget how much you have always loved to swim”.  This photo reminds me to find the joy in the journey and capture that joy in my writings.  Too often Anna and I get lost in the mess of being parents to little ones and find ourselves drowning in the tears, fits and endless messes that come with them.  Often Anna says “We are living the dream” to remind ourselves how blessed we are.  I need reminding more than she does.  So this photo reminds me to find my own little piece of the promised land even when I’m being lead into what appears to be a desert.  Recently in the Book of Mormon I read where Jacob is talking to the Nephites and tells them that yes they were lead away from the Promised land but then quickly follows with counsel to not fear because the Lord is leading them to a better land.  I have felt this.  I have felt that as much as I loved my job and company that I am being lead to a better land and I look forward to reaching it. 

I recently read a quote that said “Everyone has a chapter they don’t want to read out loud” and I agree with this.  Having said that, this isn’t that chapter for me.  Rather I feel that this will be a defining chapter in my story that I will revisit for years to come to find comfort and see the Lords hand at work in my life.  This may even become my favorite chapter as I journey to find my better land.

Looking forward to 2017!

I don't think it is much of a secret that I love a fresh start.  I love spring for all the possibilities it will bring when the soil begins to swell and the hope that my yard will look just like I want it this year.  I love a fresh snowfall in the winter where everything is so quiet and so pure.  I love mornings when the sun peeks in and the house is quiet before the chaos that is my life sets in.  I love new beginnings and new years resolutions are a part of that.  It gives me the opportunity to look at my life and stop literally stop and force myself to count my blessings and make plans to deepen roots and better myself so that I can start anew, both spirtiually and with my time and planning.

As I look forward to this new year it is no coincidence that I write this while on Paternity Leave that my goals center around my family.  I am proud to be a husband and father to 4 beautiful kids and it is something that I once questioned if it would even happen.  I came across a scripture while I was reading in the Book of Mormon that had never seemed significant to me before but as I read it this time it's words shone from the pages and I thought...This...this is my life goal.  This is what and who I want to become.  In 1 Nephi 17:2 Nephi is reflecting on the trials but also the blessings his family has had while they traveled for years through the wilderness in pursuit of the Promise Land.  He states "...and they began to bear their journeying without murmurings".  It still strikes a chord with me as I write this because I see myself and I think, am I doing this?  Am I bearing the journey here on earth without murmuring?  I think my tired mind so often gets lost in the journey, in the sleepless nights and constant complaining of the little ones, the pressures of providing for a family and the demands that I put on myself that I don't see the overwhelming blessings that surround me at every turn.  One of my favorite quotes states "Promise me you won't spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the water that you forget, truly forget, how much you love to swim".  One goal I have for 2017 and indeed my life is to "bear my journeying without murmuring".  I want to see the time spent wrestling on the floors with my girls and their laughter as the most important task.  I want to see a counter filled with dirty little bowls and cups as an answered prayer that I prayed for so long ago.  I want to see a garden that needs weeding as the Lord's way of letting me meditate and ponder the important things.

I have felt a knocking lately from the spirit telling me I need to remember who I am and where I come from.  Part of this is knowing and preserving a record of my own life and this is one thing that has helped me over the years to step back and look at the journey and find the blessings.  I want to strive to be better about writing down my life and the sweet lives of my girls and growing boy that we can all remember this time and build on the memories it will provide.  I also want to preserve a record of my parents and their lives.  In my Patriarical Blessing it states that one of the greatest blessings that the Lord gave me was my parents and that they are my best friends, which is true.  I want to make sure that my kids and grandchildren also know who these two great people are and how much they shaped me into the man I am today.  Besides it gives me the opportunity to learn more about who they are as well and what their perspectives where when they were in the thick of it like I am...what were their doubts and fears and their goals and aspirations.  I'm looking forward to further strengthening the bonds I also have with them.

2017 is also the year that I turn the BIG 40.  I know some people dread this but I am strangly giddy about it.  I'm excited for the milestone and I'm excited for what is to come.  I have been thinking a lot lately of doing something in my life to commemerate my 40 years and I'm not thinking something like a cruise or Disneyland, although that would be fun (hint hint Anna) rather something more meaningful.  As I have thought about this I have come up with a way for me to look back on my years here on earth and count each blessing.  I have decided to write 40 letters to 40 different people who have helped shape me into who I am today.  I think everyone wants to be seen and wants to know that they have made a difference to someone and this is my chance to let them know how much they have made a difference to me.  Some individuals have made big impacts while others have made an impact on me without even knowing it or them even trying and many will have no clue that simply by living their lives they have changed me for the better.

I also have the goal of holding Family Home Evening each week.  For Christmas this year I gave Anna the gift of a whole year of FHE's planned out and all the materials we would need to have them with little effort the day of.  It was something that she had wanted for awhile and it has been great to see the girls look forward to Monday's and to be honest I have as well.

Every year I have set the goal for myself to read 12 books or one book a month and for the past two years I have achieved this goal with ease with one glaring hole in my book list.  I haven't read the Book of Mormon front to back in a long time and instead of beating myself up about it I'm just going to do as Elder Holland counciled and start where I am and I have started reading the Book of Mormon from the beginning and will have it completed by the end of the year.  I am also keeping a journal to record those things that stick out to me like the life goal I found in 1 Nephi 17.

That's it this year.  I don't want some long unobtainable list but rather one that will make me take stock in who I really am and where I really want to be at the end of 2017.  I look forward to building new relationships and strengthening old ones.  I look forward to inspiration found in the voices of those who have come before me whether it was 30 years or 2000 years ago.  I am simply looking forward to life, the mess, the chaos and the joy that comes with it.

Welcome Welcome Joshua George

On the morning of Thursday October 20, 2016 we welcomed our little boy Joshua George into our family.  I have always loved the name Joshua George and got Anna to commit to naming our first boy this whenever he came so there wasn’t a question on the name.  I love the name Joshua which in Hebrew means Jehovah is Generous and we are certainly counting our blessings in our life.  George is my dad’s middle name and I have my paternal grandpa’s middle name and always wanted my son to carry his paternal grandpa’s middle name as well.

Joshua ended up coming early but Anna had sensed that he would all along.  This pregnancy was a hard one on Anna making her sicker then she has ever been with the other three but at the same time I feel and I think she would agree that she felt connected to little Joshua and felt that he was guiding her.  In one way that he was guiding her was on the birth.  Anna had a very spiritual moment in which she felt very strongly that she should go natural with this boy, which goes against everything she had ever felt or prepared for.  She contacted a Doula (which is a fancy way of saying midwife) to assist her as she made this last minute change.  I was terrified of her going natural.  Would it complicate things?  Would it negatively affect our relationship as she lashed out in pain, directed at me, only to have me take it personal and withdraw?  Would this be one more birth story I didn’t like telling?  I was so worried that I asked my dad in private to give me a blessing before we went in to help me be grounded and have the spirit with me, but more on that later.

Anna had been having contractions for 24 hours but as we knew was the case, because of our experience with Maggie, this didn’t mean much.  We knew it was going to happen in the next 24 hours so we asked my parents to spend the night in case we needed to go in and in case the birth went quick because I wasn’t going to deliver a baby on the side of the road.not gonna happen.  Around 1 in the morning Anna came and got me and said “it’s time they are 4 minutes apart” and so we trekked into the hospital and I wondered why is it always the middle of the night.  Is this just God’s way of saying yeah get used to it with a baby you won’t sleep again anyways.  Our doula, Rachel, arrived shortly after and they checked Anna in but said there wasn’t much progress and they would wait until the morning to break her water.  We said a prayer and the spirit was so strong and the gratitude we felt for this little man that was about to be in our arms was palpable.  I wondered what he thought of me having seen me from the other side and been able to compare me to the perfection that is Our Heavenly Father.  I wondered if I was cut out for the role of raising him and was as happy as we were that he was coming to our little family.

Throughout the night Anna continued to have contractions but nothing awful or too painful.  We loved our Doula because she is LDS and very spiritual and had told us how she often feels like she is a veil worker escorting these spirits from the spirit world to ours.  Isn’t that the best image that you don’t always place with birth.  She said that although we are so excited to have these little babies in our arms we need to stop and think that they are saying goodbye and possibly getting a blessing of their own on the other side and to let them have that time.  I just love that thought.   In one of the quieter moments of the night our she  said “I feel a male presence in the room which is odd because at times I have felt a presence in other births but it never is a male presence.”  I immediately thought it was Tate our 5th little baby up in heaven who we have had experiences telling us to not forget him saying goodbye to Josh and comforting his mom in this moment.  Before I could express this thought Anna said “It’s Tate and I have felt him close for awhile now”.  WOW isn’t the spirit something.

Gretchen, our doctor and midwife, came in around 7 am and broke Anna’s water but no water came out.  Josh’s head it was determined was so low it was blocking the water.  This is where things got intense.  The contractions kicked in and got harder.  Anna tried to breath but the pain was overwhelming.  She did snap and get short with people but never with me.  Instead she focused on me and having me close and near.  At one point she said, “I can’t do this get me an epidural” she started to apologize and my only thought was how sad that she feels like a failure when she has endured so much.  Our doula said, let’s have you checked just to make sure you have time for an epidural and so Gretchen checked her and said “Sorry Anna it’s time and there is no time for an epidural but you can do this!”

With all of our other babies Anna has pushed 2 times max and the baby has come out.  Well Josh, not so much.  She pushed and she pushed, she shook from pain and exhaustion.  She pushed and pushed and finally we started to see his head only to have the contraction end and him disappear again.  Finally at 8:04 am Joshua joined our family and we realized why it was so painful and so hard.  Joshua was born posterior, the most painful way to deliver and the cord was wrapped around his body 3 times which prevented him from turning.  Had Anna been on an epidural they probably would have taken him via C-section.

She had done it, he was here.  But we still had to have that dang placenta come out and after Molly’s birth this is always a concern.  10 minutes passed and no placenta.  20 minutes and no placenta and Gretchen started pulling which caused tremendous pain for Anna and she begged for mercy but Gretchen said “we can’t have a repeat of Molly’s birth we have to get this placenta out”.  Well, remember how I told you I got a blessing before coming into the hospital.  In that blessing my dad reminded me that I had the priesthood and that I would be able call on that priesthood to help me in moments of distress.  I remembered this and it stuck out and in this moment I knew I needed to call on it.  I had my hands on Anna’s legs as I was helping support them and stop them from shaking.  In that moment of Gretchen’s fear filled words I looked down at my hands and I said in my mind (knowing He would hear and her body would obey) “By the power of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold I lay my hands on you and command the placenta to release” and closed it in Jesus name.  In that moment, that very moment the placenta gave way and came out in one fluid motion and I knew why I had that blessing and in whom I trusted.  Jehovah is generous my little Joshua and we couldn’t be happier to have this little blessing in our lives.

Love letter to Grandma Nielson

My Grandma was a beautiful woman, not beautiful in the conventional view of the world, although in photos I have seen of her younger days, photos of the grandma I never knew, she was a stunner straight from the Hollywood sound stages.  My grandma was beautiful because of how she made everyone feel when she saw them and because of this no one could deny her beauty. 

Whenever we visited the farm we would open the creaky paint chipped door separating the laundry from the kitchen and turn to look where we would most likely find my grandma, sitting in her favorite chair.  Upon seeing us she would light up as if her world was now complete just by having us visit and she would immediately set to work trying to feed us.  My grandma was a great cook.  A real meat and potatoes kind of a cook.  Never light on the servings or on the gravy.  For us, no visit was complete without a breakfast of endless pancakes.  We would do our best to break new records and eat until we could eat no more and my grandma would keep the stacks coming, until we raised the white flag of defeat.  It is here that we learned the delicious secret (one I am still trying to convince my girls to try) of eating cheddar cheese on your pancakes melting under hot syrup.

When I think back to my time spent at the farm it is hard to separate the farm, in fact the entire town of Leamington, from my grandma.  She permeated every memory I have of a place that shaped who I have become.  She was a pillar in the community and I can see an image of her clearly leading an army of women in organizing lunch for the town at Leamerado days.  The town loved her and she loved them in return.  They had become her family in many ways as they worked to make the desert blossom in a place most people didn’t even know existed. 

Although she shined in the town my grandma was a queen of her domain and a home body through and through.  Whenever she visited us we knew it wouldn’t be for long as she always had some excuse or another to get back to the farm.  We all knew it was that she just wanted to be home and who wouldn’t when you had the farm to go back to. 

My grandma loved animals of every kind so it is no wonder that growing up we would love to visit the farm and got to experience interacting with every sort of animals thru the years.  My grandparents had cattle but on their farm itself they had horses in the pasture, pigs for a time and my grandma kept a large flock of chickens and even had Guinea hens at one point.  I will never forget the moment one of those chickens turned on me and I saw my life flash before my eyes as I was sure that chicken was going to land the blow that would end my young life.  My grandma had a big heart where animals were concerned both for those that were hers and those that were wild.  She would feed the homeless cats in the area and became known for her cats with people dropping them off from time to time.  These were not your standard lap cats that you could pet and play with rather these were feral attack animals that we would avoid and steer clear of at all costs least we get fleas or a claw to the ankle.  I remember there was one cat in particular that would hide under my grandparents old blue Oldsmobile and when you would walk by it would dart out grabbing and biting at your ankle so we would run past the car to get into the house.   Along with her pack of feral cats my grandma had a flock of hummingbirds that she would feed.   Summer nights when the family would gather on the back patio under the giant elm tree we would hear a constant din of wings beating as the hummingbirds would come in from every direction to feast on the feeders my grandma kept stocked with rich sugar water.  Still to this day if any of us see a hummingbird we think of my grandma.  My grandparents also had a yellow lab most of my life.  First there was Broccoli (named so because my cousin was saying Barkley from Sesame Street but my grandparents couldn’t understand him) and then Sadie who was with my grandma to the end.  These dogs were the embodiment of the farm.  They greeted you at your car with a wet nose, a wagging tail and a heart full of unconditional love. 

Grandma’s heart was full of love and the times it was fullest and happiest (or at least that is how she made it seem to us) was when the whole family was over for a visit.  Grandma never stopped.  She would cook, she would fuss she would make sure everyone was okay…that is until the cards came out.  The moment someone pulled out a deck of pinnacle cards or Skip-bo cards or any card game really it had the same effect on my grandma as opening a can of tuna fish around a cat…she stopped what she was doing and took a seat at the table, the rest of the world be damned she was in the game.  My grandma was fiercely competitive at games.  There was no light hearted I will let my grandchildren win this one, she was in it to win it, and if you weren’t focused solely on the game she would correct that in an instant.  It was in these moments that many of us grandchildren reveled in the undivided attention of my grandma.  We knew she was all ours in those moments and we took advantage of the time we had with her.

The grandma I knew was a farmer’s wife, a mother and well, my grandma although flashes of her previous life (before me) would shine thru at times.  My grandma had been an English teacher and loved books and the art of the written word.  She would write letters to her family and as missionaries serving around the world we looked forward to grandma’s letters from the farm that were never shorter than 5 pages in her beautiful script.  My grandma also wrote poetry as a way of expressing her love, her humor and her life.  When our beloved dog Liza died my grandma, whose heart was big enough to love our dog as much as we did, wrote a poem about her that was able to heal the holes now missing in all of our hearts.  She also wrote and had published a poem about zucchini and how she would sneak around the neighborhood to drop it off on unsuspecting neighbors doorsteps, all in secret so they couldn’t refuse the offer of an overabundant crop.  I realize that I inherited the love of language and the power of words from my dear grandma as she so willingly gave us this gift. 

My grandma gave me more than a love for words.  She gave me a foundation from which to build.  She showed me a quiet strength that remained hidden for years.  She showed me a devotion to a Heavenly Father and a dedication to her family that was unfailing.  She showed me unconditional love and support and how to make the desert bloom in your life both physically and spiritually.  My grandma made me know, I was enough.  So was my grandma beautiful?  She was the most beautiful woman I know.   

Beach day

On Sunday we wanted to plan something that would allow us to relax and take a break in the middle of our trip but also honor the Sabbath.  We started by going to church at the local ward and it shouldn't amaze me but always does that the church is the same no matter where you go down to the architecture and the light din of children during the meeting.  

After church we headed to Kiawah Island, a little south of Charleston, because I had heard their beaches were the most relaxing and not the college/wild crowd and let's face it...Anna and I are 90 year old souls who just wanted to sit and relax.

The walk to the beach was amazing to me.  You start on a boardwalk path in a forest then out into lower grasses and shrubs out  into dunes and then the ocean.  It was idyllic and I would love to live near a beach like this.

Anna loved the rubber mats that lead out to the sea because it made it so much easier to walk and gave time for Sand to fall off your feet on the way back.  

We rented chairs and an umbrella and relaxed.  I read and Anna prepared her lessons for the upcoming weeks in Sunday School.  I eventually wandered down to the water but didn't go too deep because you know the whole terrified of sharks dragging me to my death thing.  There is something about a beach, whether on a lake like at home or the ocean, that makes me a kid again and I ended up playing in the sand building castles for hours.  Maybe that is how I should manage stress...play in the sand box or move to an ocean.

Although the weather was warm the breezes kept us cool.  Coll enough that Anna got cold under the shade of the umbrella and stuck her leg out to warm up her body.  Bad decision...

We left Kiawah and decided to see the other beach we had heard about that was supposed to be more the beach town college fair and we headed out to Folly Beach and bummed up and down the boardwalk.  We ate dinner at Taco Boy which we had eaten at earlier in the trip but at a different location and I loved the Street Corn and have committed to making it this summer on the grill.

I made Anna pose in front of the doors at Taco Boy and she wasn't too thrilled as there were people near us but come on isn't she cute.

I snapped this photo at dinner to show her that she got a little sun on the face and although she said to delete the photo it is a favorite because it shows the real spunky wife that I adore.