In early January Anna and I got word that
my work would be doing layoffs as they downsized our line of service by half, across the country. We put our faith and
our lives in the Lords hands looking forward with faith that he would take care
of us whether I stayed at PwC or if he took us down another path. Weeks passed and then we got the call that I
would be laid off along with the rest of my team in Denver at the beginning of
March. I was devastated. I thought for sure I wouldn’t be asked to go
back into the refiner’s fire but here I was facing another job search after
just three years. What hurt the most was
that I felt so lead to this position by the Lord and could look back and often
shared my experience of feeling the Lord creating this position for me. After a
day or two of tears and shock I was able to pull myself together and realize
that the Lord had lead me to the job at PwC and what a blessing it had been and
that He will lead me to another job. In fact Anna and I felt His hand in this
next step very strongly. It reminded me
of a favorite quote of mine that says “For a seed to achieve its greatest
expression, it must come completely undone.
The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth it
would look like utter destruction.” The
nice thing is this time around Anna and I have realized the Lord prepared us
and we do understand growth.
For months now Anna and I have felt what we
call the ‘knocking’. Where your spirit
is telling you that you need to grow and you need to step it up. Lately as I have been reading in the Book of
Mormon I have heard the prophets calling themselves and their people to “awake
their souls” and I realize this ‘knocking’ is not unique to me. Anna
and I felt that we needed to grow closer to the Lord. We felt we needed to establish patterns in
our lives that increased our connection to the spirit and the Lord. We both committed to re-reading the Book of
Mormon in 2017 and to saying our prayers every night as a couple. These and other efforts were already started
when we got the call so the blow that would be so devastating to many, although
traumatic and difficult, was lessened by an increase in faith growing within us
already. Anna even said to me, “is it
strange that I fell excitement for what is to come?” and I said “You know what
I couldn’t have put it better myself”.
That isn’t to say I don’t worry about my future and have my days of
doubt and fear but in those moments, I strive to remember that fear is an
absence of faith and I know in whom I have trusted and know that my Father in
Heaven is aware of me and working on my behalf.
As I have moved into this next state of
being without employment I have felt a connection as well to an overwhelming
support system on both sides of the veil.
I felt impressed to share my experience one fast Sunday in testimony
meeting and as utterly uncomfortable and humbling it was I can now say that I
have felt the power of other people’s prayers on my behalf and have felt others
love and concern for me and my little family.
I have also had experiences where I feel others on the other side of the
veil cheering me on and lifting me up.
Since my maternal grandparents have passed away my mom, sister and I
often have found dimes left in odd places and people think that if you find
dimes it is a sign from others on the other side that they are with you. On hard days I have had experiences where I
go to get in the car and there is a dime in the middle of the driver’s seat (I
don’t use cash so it wasn’t out of my pocket) or I have reached in the pocket
of jeans fresh out of the washer to have them empty except for a single dime
and I have stopped and realized my grandparents are cheering me on and watching
out for me. I have started to keep the
dimes so I can see that connection over the coming months and years.
I have also put together a vision board to
call down the powers of heaven and use my powers of creation into something
positive rather than something full of fear or doubt. I look at it every day several times a day
and it has helped. I created the board
based off of this map for vision boards:
And here is my final vision board:
Many of the photos are self explanatory but
let me explain a few. In the center top
where I have placed how I would like to be known I found this painting of
Christ washing the feet of his disciples that I realized perfectly represented
how I want to be known. First of all I
had an epiphany recently that the more trials we experience the more empathy we
gain and empathy in essence, is who the Savior is. After all empathy is an expression that you
have suffered and understand what others have gone through and didn’t the
Savior descend beneath it all for us. So as I gain more empathy I realize I am
gaining power and becoming more Christlike every day. Secondly, I want to be known for serving
others and the Lord. Lastly, I love the
visual of the Savior washing the feet because he was literally washing the world off of those whom he loved and I want to be that kind of a person where
people feel that I wash the world, the dirt, their fears and their doubts away
and leave them lighter and happier. I
want to be known as a feet washer.
Another photo on the board shows a girl
smiling as the wind hits her face. This
photo reminded me to appreciate the little things. Look for the good in the basics and in the
mundane things. My favorite quote (and is also on the board) says “Promise me you will not spend so much time treading
water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly
forget how much you have always loved to swim”.
This photo reminds me to find the joy in the journey and capture that
joy in my writings. Too often Anna and I
get lost in the mess of being parents to little ones and find ourselves
drowning in the tears, fits and endless messes that come with them. Often Anna says “We are living the dream” to
remind ourselves how blessed we are. I
need reminding more than she does. So
this photo reminds me to find my own little piece of the promised land even
when I’m being lead into what appears to be a desert. Recently in the Book of Mormon I read where
Jacob is talking to the Nephites and tells them that yes they were lead away
from the Promised land but then quickly follows with counsel to not fear
because the Lord is leading them to a better land. I have felt this. I have felt that as much as I loved my job
and company that I am being lead to a better land and I look forward to
reaching it.
I recently read a quote that said “Everyone
has a chapter they don’t want to read out loud” and I agree with this. Having said that, this isn’t that chapter for
me. Rather I feel that this will be a
defining chapter in my story that I will revisit for years to come to find
comfort and see the Lords hand at work in my life. This may even become my favorite chapter as I
journey to find my better land.
