Happy Birthday Mom/Grandma!

So today is my mom's birthday and also the longest day of the year which I think was because the Lord knew how special my mom was and wanted to make sure people had plenty of time to celebrate it.  As with my dad's birthday I didn't want my mom to feel forgotten so I rounded up some of her closest friends and loved ones to wish her a Happy Birthday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes Mom!  Even Diet Coke and Bridge Mix love and miss you!

  In my journey there was one couple that didn't miss my mom with good reason

 Kaylene also organized the family at our last Fast Sunday Get Together to take a photo for my mom for her birthday and asked that I include it in this post with a few outtakes.  If you can't guess it is my mom's grandkids in order by number in which they were born and color by whose family they are in.

 

Sophie was grumpy when we took this and has a look of "Get your hands off me" doesn't she.

I know quite of few of my girls buy hey it's my blog right!  Mom I hope you know that you are loved and missed on a daily basis by all these people and more.  It may seem hard at times to be away from us, as hard as it is to not have you here with us, but the truth is we know we get you back.  We know we get to have you for an eternity with us and are so blessed to have you, that if we have to share you with Serbia for another year we will so that they can know and feel what it feels like to be in your glow.  WE LOVE YOU!

Humbled and lessons learned.

Okay...so lesson #1 that I learned...don't write a blog entry when you are in the heat of the moment.  That being said I do treat this blog like my journal so in a way I'm glad I wrote it so I won't forget how it felt and it reflects both the good and the bad. 

B has been so great through this whole process just giving me the time to work through it in my mind and there to offer comfort as well.  Sophie as well I believe could sense that I was having a hard time and has stayed glued to my side and has given me several unprompted hugs.  We are teaching her how to say prayers and often at dinner she says the prayer.  Well this week in her prayer she blessed me and then shyly opened her eyes and looked up at me...this broke my heart because I knew I was loved even by such a young little soul. 

Don't I look so happy...but Sophie knew I needed her!

B and I just spent a few days hibernating and not taking on much...again B has been great.  We went on a walk as a family and just spent time in our yard and house as I wasn't in the mood to put on a face for the public yet.

See you can already see I'm feeling better

Molly, Libby and mom leading the way!

Now that I have had a few days to reflect and lick my wounds I have come a long way.  Yesterday B and I fasted, for our situation but also for my mom who is serving a full time mission in Serbia, and then went to the Bountiful Temple last night. As I sat in the chapel waiting for a session to start I played 'Mormon Roulette'.  Haven't heard of it?  I'm sure you have...it is where you say a prayer and then open the scriptures to a random spot and hope that you find the exact inspiration you are looking for.  Well, the first scripture I read said..."and this shall be your sign..." and I thought wow that worked but then went on to talk about Nephi's vision of the Tree of Life and I thought well that isn't direct enough (although I will study it more believe you me) and I decided to give the Lord another chance. I opened the scriptures again this time to Alma 33 and this is what I read.

Alma 33: 3-11
3 Do ye remember to have read what Zenos, the prophet of old, has said concerning prayer or worship?

4 For he said: Thou art merciful, O God, for thou hast heard my prayer, even when I was in the wilderness; yea, thou wast merciful when I prayed concerning those who were mine enemies, and thou didst turn them to me.

5 Yea, O God, and thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my field; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me.

6 And again, O God, when I did turn to my house thou didst hear me in my prayer.

7 And when I did turn unto my closet, O Lord, and prayed unto thee, thou didst hear me.

8 Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them.

9 Yea, O God, thou hast been merciful unto me, and heard my cries in the midst of thy congregations.

10 Yea, and thou hast also heard me when I have been cast out and have been despised by mine enemies; yea, thou didst hear my cries, and wast angry with mine enemies, and thou didst visit them in thine anger with speedy destruction.

11 And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son.

 
I have been struggling with prayers...wondering if they were bouncing off the ceiling and always having my mind go blank when I kneel down and I seem to fall into ritual prayers if that makes sense.  That isn't to say that I'm not speaking with my Heavenly Father often because I do but not in the typical kneel down and pour your heart out to him sort of way.  My patriarchal blessing states that I should pray as if the Lord kneels by my side and I'll be honest this has been hard for me.  This being said, I have committed to the Lord that I will do my part and prayer every day and listen for his promptings and act upon them.  I was thankful when I read verse 11 that said that His judgments would be turned from me because I was angry at the Lord, unfairly I know and now recognize, but it brought me comfort to read that He knows me and won't judge me in my weak moments.

B and I were asked to be the witness couple for the endowment session which was a neat experience for us as we haven't done it as husband and wife.  After the temple we discussed our impressions and we both felt that everything is going to be okay and work out for the best.  More then anything I felt a very clear sense of what it means to literally lay our burdens at the Lords feet.  I have done all that I can to find a job.  I have worked hard for years now looking, networking, applying and interviewing and praying and I have come to realize I have done my part and it is in the Lord's hands now.  So I truly committed my life and future to Him and laid that burden down at His feet.  I will still do my part to the best of my abilities with the knowledge and faith that he will do the rest.  The only hard part is to not let fear creep in as I am still employed in a very hostile work environment and still need to have success here in order to provide for my family.  That being said I am confidently walking forward knowing that the Lord won't let me linger in the dark for very long.

Defeated!

So I don't really know where to begin this entry because if I'm honest I don't know if I can explain where I am or what I am feeling at the momment or it is just because I have such a honed skill for throwing up the walls instantly blocking out any pain or hurt that may crush me to the core.  I guess let me start at the beginning.

I didn't get the job at the U of U either...so that is two jobs that I was a finalist for and two that I was rejected for as well leaving me stuck in my current position at the Chamber, which I guess mom if I look at the positive side I'm not unemployed right!

Again, I don't know how I am feeling so hold on and keep all legs and arms in because here comes the roller coaster.  I feel betrayed by the Lord because I felt like the spirit confirmed so strongly that one if not both of these jobs would come through for me and I feel stupid and humiliated for being so sure and having told friends and now I have to face everyone that I told and tell them that "no I didn't get the jobs...no neither one thought I was good enough".  I feel as if I have been in the forth watch now for so long and as I sink under the waves that are crashing in around me I reach out to the Savior to save me expecting him to reach out to me immediately as He did for Peter only to glimpse Him stoically standing by as I sink below the water knowing I wasn't good enough for Him to save.  Seeing all my faults and wrong choices in my life and wondering if I'm not worthy.  I feel guilty for my lack of faith and how quickly I lose that faith that the Lord knows what is best.  I feel ungrateful that with everything with which I have been blessed in my life I should so easily feel abandoned.  I feel angry that everything seems to be such a struggle for me...getting married so late in life and being so alone for so long, personal demons that never stop attacking and keep me fighting everyday, being fired unjustly in the past, going so long without a job only to get one at a place I hated but had no other choice, wondering if the fight will ever end and I will be able to have it go smoothly for once.  Again, guilty that I am only focusing on the struggles and not the blessings.  Desperate that I may be stuck here for a very long time an overweight middle age guy with a Master's degree (that I got because I was trying to be faithful to what I was told in my Patriarchal blessing) in a job with people 10 years my junior who just graduated from college who all seem to be able to leave for new careers while I fight for my freedom.  Tired of having to constantly struggle and having everyone around me say that it is so I can learn empathy for the future that I may be able to help other people through the same thing!  I'M DONE HAVING TO LEARN EMPATHY!  Why can't I learn through success!  Feeling hopeless that I am back at the beginning with my job search and lost on where I am supposed to go from here as I have exhausted all the avenues that I could think of with no success.  Wanting the Lord to swoop in and cover me with His spirit calming my soul and letting me know everything will be okay and that He hasn't left me and I can do this and in the same moment so hurt that I want to shove Him out of my life and walk away from Him.  I have tried so hard to do what is best.  I have tried to live the gospel and fulfill my callings, I have tried to choose the right and for what.  Again, guilt!  I could keep going but you get the idea.

All I can do at this point is do what I have always done...repair the damn.  Put a few more bricks on the walls that I have worked so long on and put one foot in front of the other and move on.  I don't have time to dwell on it after all I have a family to feed and in the end they are what matters most to me.

Running Away!

So this past week, I got what was very bad news for me.  I didn't get the Google job.  I can't tell you the devastation or rather the panic this sent me into as I wanted this job so much but it also meant freedom from the job I currently am in.  I always thought the Chamber would be someplace I would stay for years to come but I have felt, as has B, that my time is over here and now, as I mentioned, I am ferociously looking for something that will be a smart move but that will take me away from here.  I still haven't heard back from the U of U and am crossing my fingers, toes and anything else I can cross while trying to have the faith necessary to be happy with what ever the end results are.  Can you worry and still have faith?

After getting the news from Google I was pretty upset and called B and said "I need to run away...find a sitter we are leaving town".  My good wife understood and got to work and by that evening we were on the road heading north to the Oregon Coast.  What follows is a very quick synopsis of our trip...as a side note we drove more in these 4 days (34 hours) then we will do in our tour of Europe in 12 days this September.

We stayed the first night in Boise and left at dawn to only realize later that we forgot our pillows at the hotel...bummer!  The next morning we stopped, on our way to Portland, in Pendleton and toured their wool factory and bought a blanket for our future son's bedroom (Joshua we are counting on you up there!)

On our way to Portland we stopped at the Multnomah Falls and hiked up to the bridge.

We then went on to Portland and went to Powell's bookstore and bummed around the Pearl district for a while only to stumble into Athleta, B's dream store full of exercise and yoga gear, and we spent a good hour there with B trying on every outfit she could get her hands on.  You see B wants to be dressed like she just got done working out and hasn't had a chance to change yet, while all the while this is her outfit for the day and has no intention of going to the gym.  You get the idea.

After Portland we headed for the beautiful coast and stayed the night in Lincoln City.  Our hotel, The Inn at Spanish Head, was right on the water and we were able to lay in bed and listen to the waves pound the sand.

We woke up the next morning and took a nice walk along the beach and felt the cool ocean breeze on our faces.

We then were on the road...again...down to Florence Oregon where B served her mission and where Sophie got her middle name.  We met up with B's Florence mom, Cathy, and her husband Chip.  We went to lunch and wandered shops and then got on their speed boat and headed up the Siuslaw River, which was beautiful and the company was fantastic.

The next morning we started the long trek home and went via the Redwoods so B could see them.  We stopped at the Trees of Mystery, upon Chips recommendation, and took the tour.  WASTE OF TIME.  Okay it wasn't awful just very touristy and I would have rather just gone off the road into the Redwoods and seen them in nature not on a customized walking trail.

We took a tram to the top of the mountains which was a nice break.

From the beautiful forested coast with lush ferns we headed east into the mountains and although still covered in trees the views changed into more what we are used to with parts reminding us of Yellowstone.  We came through hours of switchbacks and endless mountains to Redding, California and then on to Reno.  Again the scenery changed to bleak desert down to salt flats and baked clay and oh how I missed the coast.  The only consolation in the dull journey through the desert was that we had Louis L'Amour books on CD that took me back to road trips with my dad where these were a staple.

While we drove I kept getting an overwhelming sense of how lucky I am to be married to such a loving and beautiful wife.  B and I realized that while we love our kids unconditionally many times we take out the stresses of life and with them on each other and have vowed that we will be kinder to each other as on this trip we again realized how perfect we are for each other.