B has been so great through this whole process just giving me the time to work through it in my mind and there to offer comfort as well. Sophie as well I believe could sense that I was having a hard time and has stayed glued to my side and has given me several unprompted hugs. We are teaching her how to say prayers and often at dinner she says the prayer. Well this week in her prayer she blessed me and then shyly opened her eyes and looked up at me...this broke my heart because I knew I was loved even by such a young little soul.
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| Don't I look so happy...but Sophie knew I needed her! |
B and I just spent a few days hibernating and not taking on much...again B has been great. We went on a walk as a family and just spent time in our yard and house as I wasn't in the mood to put on a face for the public yet.
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| See you can already see I'm feeling better |
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| Molly, Libby and mom leading the way! |
Now that I have had a few days to reflect and lick my wounds I have come a long way. Yesterday B and I fasted, for our situation but also for my mom who is serving a full time mission in Serbia, and then went to the Bountiful Temple last night. As I sat in the chapel waiting for a session to start I played 'Mormon Roulette'. Haven't heard of it? I'm sure you have...it is where you say a prayer and then open the scriptures to a random spot and hope that you find the exact inspiration you are looking for. Well, the first scripture I read said..."and this shall be your sign..." and I thought wow that worked but then went on to talk about Nephi's vision of the Tree of Life and I thought well that isn't direct enough (although I will study it more believe you me) and I decided to give the Lord another chance. I opened the scriptures again this time to Alma 33 and this is what I read.
Alma 33: 3-11
3 Do ye remember to have read what Zenos, the prophet of old, has said concerning prayer or worship?
4 For he said: Thou art merciful, O God, for thou hast heard my prayer, even when I was in the wilderness; yea, thou wast merciful when I prayed concerning those who were mine enemies, and thou didst turn them to me.
5 Yea, O God, and thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my field; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me.
8 Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them.
9 Yea, O God, thou hast been merciful unto me, and heard my cries in the midst of thy congregations.
10 Yea, and thou hast also heard me when I have been cast out and have been despised by mine enemies; yea, thou didst hear my cries, and wast angry with mine enemies, and thou didst visit them in thine anger with speedy destruction.
11 And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son.
I have been struggling with prayers...wondering if they were bouncing off the ceiling and always having my mind go blank when I kneel down and I seem to fall into ritual prayers if that makes sense. That isn't to say that I'm not speaking with my Heavenly Father often because I do but not in the typical kneel down and pour your heart out to him sort of way. My patriarchal blessing states that I should pray as if the Lord kneels by my side and I'll be honest this has been hard for me. This being said, I have committed to the Lord that I will do my part and prayer every day and listen for his promptings and act upon them. I was thankful when I read verse 11 that said that His judgments would be turned from me because I was angry at the Lord, unfairly I know and now recognize, but it brought me comfort to read that He knows me and won't judge me in my weak moments.
B and I were asked to be the witness couple for the endowment session which was a neat experience for us as we haven't done it as husband and wife. After the temple we discussed our impressions and we both felt that everything is going to be okay and work out for the best. More then anything I felt a very clear sense of what it means to literally lay our burdens at the Lords feet. I have done all that I can to find a job. I have worked hard for years now looking, networking, applying and interviewing and praying and I have come to realize I have done my part and it is in the Lord's hands now. So I truly committed my life and future to Him and laid that burden down at His feet. I will still do my part to the best of my abilities with the knowledge and faith that he will do the rest. The only hard part is to not let fear creep in as I am still employed in a very hostile work environment and still need to have success here in order to provide for my family. That being said I am confidently walking forward knowing that the Lord won't let me linger in the dark for very long.
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