Defeated!

So I don't really know where to begin this entry because if I'm honest I don't know if I can explain where I am or what I am feeling at the momment or it is just because I have such a honed skill for throwing up the walls instantly blocking out any pain or hurt that may crush me to the core.  I guess let me start at the beginning.

I didn't get the job at the U of U either...so that is two jobs that I was a finalist for and two that I was rejected for as well leaving me stuck in my current position at the Chamber, which I guess mom if I look at the positive side I'm not unemployed right!

Again, I don't know how I am feeling so hold on and keep all legs and arms in because here comes the roller coaster.  I feel betrayed by the Lord because I felt like the spirit confirmed so strongly that one if not both of these jobs would come through for me and I feel stupid and humiliated for being so sure and having told friends and now I have to face everyone that I told and tell them that "no I didn't get the jobs...no neither one thought I was good enough".  I feel as if I have been in the forth watch now for so long and as I sink under the waves that are crashing in around me I reach out to the Savior to save me expecting him to reach out to me immediately as He did for Peter only to glimpse Him stoically standing by as I sink below the water knowing I wasn't good enough for Him to save.  Seeing all my faults and wrong choices in my life and wondering if I'm not worthy.  I feel guilty for my lack of faith and how quickly I lose that faith that the Lord knows what is best.  I feel ungrateful that with everything with which I have been blessed in my life I should so easily feel abandoned.  I feel angry that everything seems to be such a struggle for me...getting married so late in life and being so alone for so long, personal demons that never stop attacking and keep me fighting everyday, being fired unjustly in the past, going so long without a job only to get one at a place I hated but had no other choice, wondering if the fight will ever end and I will be able to have it go smoothly for once.  Again, guilty that I am only focusing on the struggles and not the blessings.  Desperate that I may be stuck here for a very long time an overweight middle age guy with a Master's degree (that I got because I was trying to be faithful to what I was told in my Patriarchal blessing) in a job with people 10 years my junior who just graduated from college who all seem to be able to leave for new careers while I fight for my freedom.  Tired of having to constantly struggle and having everyone around me say that it is so I can learn empathy for the future that I may be able to help other people through the same thing!  I'M DONE HAVING TO LEARN EMPATHY!  Why can't I learn through success!  Feeling hopeless that I am back at the beginning with my job search and lost on where I am supposed to go from here as I have exhausted all the avenues that I could think of with no success.  Wanting the Lord to swoop in and cover me with His spirit calming my soul and letting me know everything will be okay and that He hasn't left me and I can do this and in the same moment so hurt that I want to shove Him out of my life and walk away from Him.  I have tried so hard to do what is best.  I have tried to live the gospel and fulfill my callings, I have tried to choose the right and for what.  Again, guilt!  I could keep going but you get the idea.

All I can do at this point is do what I have always done...repair the damn.  Put a few more bricks on the walls that I have worked so long on and put one foot in front of the other and move on.  I don't have time to dwell on it after all I have a family to feed and in the end they are what matters most to me.