Dear Jared...

On October 6th my wife's older brother took his own life.  I haven't known how to process this, how to help Anna and her family as they grieve or really what to do.  I have thought for some time now that I need to talk to Jared and for me that means writing him a letter so that I can be honest with him...the good and the bad...on how I am feeling and that possibly this will provide me with some sense of understanding or closure.  Please forgive me if I offend and know it was not my intent as I love Jared and always will.  Here goes....

Dear Jared,

ohhhhhh Jared I don't even know where to begin...I won't ask why as most people think in situations like this because I know what it feels like to be in that place of no return where darkness seems to press in on you like a physical fog and weight you can't escape.  My heart is broken for you, for the pain and the loneliness that you must have been feeling and for the pain you must be feeling still as you see the storm your decision has left behind.  Let me start by saying that we love you!  We always have, even when you didn't make it easy for us and seemed intent on shutting us out of your life.

That being said, I am so mad at you!  I am mad that you left us.  I am made that you left your girls without their dad.  I am mad that you didn't give us the chance to help you.  I am mad that my sweet Anna will always feel that she never got your approval and now has taken on settling your estate having to wade into your life and not being able to move on for several months; all to make you proud of her.  I am mad that your estate, your mess is now our problem and that you didn't make it easy but rather created impossible passwords and thumbprint detectors that will only cause heartache to those who have to try and solve the problems.  I am mad that you have become a wedge in my relationship with Anna as I try and help her grieve but have felt an immovable wall go up around her as she shuts off her feelings to everything and everyone so she won't have to face the pain and the hole you have now left behind.  How could you not tell her that you loved her and were proud of her...everyone speaks of how special you made them feel in life and this only caused my sweet Anna more pain as she never got your approval and was always running to catch up to you and get your acceptance.  We still had a life to build together Jared....we still had moments to share and memories to build.  I am sad that my girls...my precious girls who loved you soooo much and always lit up when they saw you won't have you there anymore and probably won't remember the uncle they loved so much.  I'm sad for the hole that you have created.  For the shadow that will forever be over this family every holiday for the rest of our life.  I'm mad that you made promised to Aaron and Halee to be at their wedding and then to do this the very week that they planned to have the happiest day of their lives and now your death will forever be connected to their anniversary.  That wasn't fair, none of this is fair.

I am however, so grateful for the peace that we have felt.  For the knowledge that we know you are being taken care of and that we will see you again.  I am grateful that my wife and your mom are getting comfort thru sorting your things feeling that they are getting to know the man that was so cut off from them.  I am grateful for the outpouring of love that has been shown since your death and for the reminder to cherish every moment and to tell everyone that you love them one more time.  I am grateful for those moments that I feel you.  Often you catch me off guard as I walk through the house alone at night shutting off lights or as I walk to the garden.  I wish you would visit Anna and let her know you are there and maybe you are and her wall won't let you in yet...don't give up on her she needs you more then you know.  I wish I knew how I could help you and what you wanted from me.  Most of all Jared, my wish for you is that you will be able to forgive yourself and that you will find the peace you need.  We love you Jared and we always will.  I look forward to getting to know you as memories are shared through out the years.  Until we meet again dear brother...