Ye of Little Fatih

I have been thinking a lot about whether I should write this post or not and realized that as this blog serves as a journal for me in many ways I needed to write it for me and me alone.  That being said, I hope that those few who do read this blog and my future posterity, that may chance upon this, will be kind in holding their judgments and will read with a forgiving heart.  As I have mentioned in the past I have been struggling to change careers from a job that I once loved and enjoyed which has become unbearable beyond degrees.  I have prayed and attempted to listen with faith to the spirit and what I think the Lord is counseling.  I have celebrated the highs of getting callbacks and followed with faith what I thought were the leads and jobs only to be disappointed when they didn’t pan out and I was left with no prospect wondering what I was doing wrong and when I would be delivered from my burden while shaking my fist at heaven saying “where are you”. 

Now I know many who read this will say ‘What’s the big deal’ and perhaps you are correct.  After all I have been blessed in my life with wonderful gifts and many things that the world would see as luxuries in the grand scheme of things.  I have a wonderful family that I at one time never thought would come my way, why therefore can’t I be as Abraham and praise the Lord for that long awaited blessing alone? 

A man’s career, indeed the role given him by the Lord to provide for his family, is who a man becomes.  I know I am more than my job but when a man commits to spending 50+ years to provide for his family often spending more time at the office then with his family does he not deserve to have some fulfillment?  I find myself crying out like Tevia in Fiddler on the roof “would it spoil some eternal plan” if I loved what I did for a living and was still able to provide for my family?  Maybe I should remind myself of what trials Tevia faced and had to wade through himself.  I guess what I am trying to say, or justify in my mind, is although this trial may seem small in the eyes of some the weight is quickly growing heavy and ,along with other hidden trials and burdens, it can at times seem unbearable.  I also believe my desire to be a righteous one. 

This burden has begun to seep into every aspect of my life and carries over to my home and my relationships with my loved ones.  It is so palpable to me, it is as if I can almost see the blackness creeping like a fog around me polluting everything I hold dear.  Some would call “he’s depressed” or to “take some pills and it will improve” or others have been quick to point out my “moodiness”.  Please know that however well intended your comments may be or well intentioned they are, it feels like yelling that someone should take swimming lessons or improve their stroke as they slip below the waves hoping for that life preserver to be extended.  Let me be clear about this…I know I am moody,  I know I have a quick temper,  I know I take things too personal, I have an all too clear perspective on what I lack and where I fall short. 

The truth is this last trial, in a life full of them, has shown me that although I had hoped I was more like Nephi I am in truth more like Laman.  If you are like me you sometimes wonder what you would do in a certain time period or if you were faced with a certain trial.  Would you be like Job and praise God until the end?  Would you know the Lord when he appeared by your side?  Would you stand up and fight the Nazi’s in Germany?  Would you leave the grove and declare to the doubting world that you saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ until you were murdered for speaking the truth?  Growing up I thought myself a Job or a Nephi, someone who would stand tall through the trials and come out swinging for the Lord. 

The truth…well the truth is not so glamorous.  I would say I am closer to Thomas.  You heard me right, Thomas or maybe better known as Doubting Thomas.  Although a devote follower of Christ he lacked the faith to follow blindly and asked the Lord for more, for some proof saying stubbornly that unless the Lord appear to him he would not believe.  I find myself needing the same thing in my life and I often hear the Lord chastening me in my ear saying “oh Daniel ye of little faith wherefore did you doubt” and I do doubt.  I need the Lord constantly telling me I am good enough, that He is present and guiding my footsteps, that He sees me and loves me.  Why is that?  It is because I am a doubting Daniel?  I follow Christ and always will but oh that I could be a Nephi or a Peter.  Not to disparage poor Thomas who was a devote follower of Christ until his death where he died defending his faith.  But I ask this question…how will I be remembered?  Will I be remembered as doubting Daniel or will I find a way to rise above it?

In a recent lesson in Sunday School we discussed the early saints and Zions Camp in particular.  Over 200 men and women were asked to march hundreds of miles to supposedly fight for the land that had been taken from them only to march and end up not fighting in the end.  They suffered many ordeals with several dying along the way of Cholera.  Many murmured against the Prophet Joseph and in a shameful moment I realized I would have murmured.  Joseph admonished them that the Lord’s anger was kindled against them and would make them suffer but by repentance and humility and the prayer of faith the chastisement would be lifted.  Is the Lord’s anger kindled against me?  How do I humble myself and submit to his will which we are all forced to do but the tricky part is how to I submit willingly and with faith and not as Laman did to his father in following him into the desert?  Joseph later stated in reference to Zions Camp that “The Lord could not organize His kingdom … unless He took [leaders] from a body of men who had offered their lives, and who had made as great a sacrifice as did Abraham.”  Indeed did the Lord not tell Joseph that all the trials that befell him were but a short moment and for his good?  I bet those cold months in a rat and feces infested cell in liberty jail did not feel short or brief yet Joseph stood for the Lord. 

I don’t really know what my point in writing this down is other than to make it clear to myself and the Lord in some way that I am very aware of my shortcomings and to be honest I don’t really like who I am at the moment or how quickly I can turn on the Lord, my loved ones and myself.  I can only look forward with hope that the Lord will make this trial brief but more importantly that I will grow in faith and patience and not descend so deeply into the valley of shadows when the next trial comes around.